


Please, don't let go

by stormy1990



Category: Bakaleya6, Johnny's Entertainment, Johnny's Jr., SixTONES (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-01 12:58:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4020706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormy1990/pseuds/stormy1990
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Taiga had fallen for Yasui and he had almost given up on the possibility of Yasui having feelings for him at all, it seemed like a miracle as Yasui finally gave away his own feelings for him. But fate didn't seem to grant them their happiness and Taiga would have no other choice than accepting the cruel reality, which would take Yasui away from him way too soon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. and it all started with...

**Author's Note:**

> Be ready for spelling/grammar mistakes, logical mistakes and a major character death(!)  
> I wrote this multi chap a long time ago and it is partly based on a personal experience. I wasn't sure for a long time, if I should really post it, but here it is, so I hope you enjoy reading :)  
> 

** Chapter 1 **

**And it all started with...**

** **

**Taiga’s POV**

_„I will be by your side forever.“_

_“Really?”_

_“Yes, trust me. I will never leave your side again.”_

“And of course now they kiss like it's going to be the most awesome thing in their lives. I give them 3 months until they have their next big fight and this time they will part forever!”

“Kentaro, would you stop making fun of every romantic drama we watch together? If you don’t like them, just tell me! I’m not forcing you to watch them!”

Kentaro and I always got in an almost-fight over a stupid drama ending, but it was entirely his fault. I never told him to come over and watch this type of dramas with me, but for some unknown reason he'd ambushed me at recent evenings, even though I thought he wasn’t interested in the same things as me. Like going shopping with me in Harajuku or going on a small trip to Hakone. He normally wasn’t the type of person who enjoyed those things. And he'd, once again, proofed my suspicion was right just now.

“So, Kentaro, would you tell me what’s up with you recently?”

“Eh? What do you mean?” he asked while stuffing more of the popcorn from the couch table into his mouth, still staring at the drama's credits. I was making a face at him, but luckily he couldn’t see it with me sitting on the couch and him in front of it, leaning against it.

“Why are you always joining in things in which you are not interested in?”

“What? But I am interested in this kind of stuff or I wouldn’t be here,” he countered, really convincing, turning around to face me, but I just couldn’t believe him. I had this little gleam of hope inside of me that he'd changed his ways because of me. But I wanted him to tell me directly. I didn’t want to confront him with my feelings as long as I wasn’t completely sure that he returned them.

 Ever since I entered Johnny’s Entertainment I was in love with Kentaro. On the day when Johnny-san first asked me, if I wanted to dance on stage, when I got to meet him backstage with my father, Kentaro was the first junior I had somehow admired. Because we both were still so young back then I could never have realized that my feelings were love back then, but I knew that what I felt for him was way different  from what I felt  for all my other friends.

After a few years I finally admitted to myself that I was in love with Kentaro, but we weren’t even close back then. He was my senpai and I was just one of many kohais. Time has passed fast since then and finally he recognized me. Thanks to all the attention we were given in the recent shokura episodes, gamushara and all our dramas and stuff, we interacted pretty much these days. And I didn’t even try to hide my feelings. I wanted him to realize them, but if he by any chance really returned them I wanted him to tell me himself. I knew, it was kind of old fashioned ,but since I already gave him so many hints it wasn’t too much to ask for, was it?

So I decided to tease him a little while longer, ignoring the possibility that he would never confess his feelings for me because he might not even have any.

“Ah, okay. Then how many romantic dramas did you watch before you came over here to watch them with me?” I asked with a smirk.

“A few.”

“Which ones?”

“Hana yori dango!”

“That doesn’t count.”

“What? Why not?”

“Because everyone watched this drama! I bet a few kohais made you watch it with them because they thought Jun-senpai would torture them, if they wouldn’t watch it,” I responded, laughing after hitting him lightly on the back of his head.

“Ha,ha,” was all he said, rubbing his head before turning around, staring at the screen again.

“No please don’t be angry at me!” I switched into acting mode without even thinking about it. I thought this would be the right punishment for his absentminded behavior.

“What are you talking about?” Kentaro tried to twist his arm out of my grip, after I had slid down from the couch, grapping it, clinging to it and putting my head on his shoulder.

“You can’t leave me. Please you have to stay by my side forever. I am so sorry.” I really had to try hard not to burst out laughing.

“No, Taiga, I won’t replay this stupid drama with you!” Now that Kentaro got that I was replaying the ending scene of the drama, he wanted to get up and shake me off, but I wouldn’t let him.

“No honey, please don’t leave. You are all that I have left.” When Kentaro just groaned on my played high pitched craving, trying to get up I pulled him back to the ground with so much force that he fell over. Of course he landed on top of me, our faces just a few inches away from each other.

I could have imagined it, but it seemed like Kentaro hesitated a moment before he got up again, clearing his throat.

“You and your stupid jokes, you’ll hurt someone with this sooner or later,” he scolded me, trying not to blush. But he just blushed too easily. You could mistake him for a traffic light at night.

“The only thing I hurt right now, is your pride.” I stuck my tongue out at him when he opened his mouth ready to counter something.

“You little brat!” I ducked behind the couch when he grabbed a pillow and threw it into my direction.

Now he was back in his typical chaotic mood, which I loved this about him. He could not really be angry at me for a long time, just because I teased him a little bit and that’s exactly why this little gleam of hope inside my chest was starting to flash brighter and brighter every time Kentaro invited himself over to my apartment, every time he pretended to be so cold hearted and absentminded and of course every time his façade just crumbled and I could see his pure honest smile.

If I had known which hardship we had to face, I would have maybe stopped myself from loving him and would have never allowed him to even realize his feelings for me.

But who would have known that something that normally just happened in some over melodramatic drama could actually occur in reality as well. And to make matters worse even be a hundred times crueler than you would ever imagine.

But at this moment all I wanted to see was his beautiful smile everyday and I wanted it just for myself.

*** 

“Let’s just go!” I was pulling on Kentaro’s sleeve for over five minutes already, making the most huge puppy eyes possible.

“Why?” Kentaro just rolled his eyes at me for the third time.

“Why not?” I was a really patient person, but Kentaro kept his no-I’m-not-accepting-my-own-feelings-and-pretend-that-I-don’t-love-you façade up for over a month since our last evening at my apartment and I just had enough. Even my patience knew an end! So I set up a plan to make him confess to me no matter what.

“I’m not in the mood for such a rushed vacation. It’s just three days why do you want to go that far for such a short time?” He was really trying hard to get his indifferent façade up. Was he really so scared of his own feelings? There were really too many hints from me and of course from him to make it unseen to anyone that we were in love with each other.

Even Juri already teased us and he is not the fastest one to recognize such things.

“Far? We are talking about Onjuku here, it’s in Chiba! We sometimes travel to Osaka just for one episode of a variety show and come back at night. Don’t search for excuses here. Just tell me, if you don’t want to spent time with me, then I asked someone else. Maybe Hokuto wants to join me.” I turned away making an angry face and crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“No! I want to go! It’s just so sudden you know. I already had plans and…”

“Forget it! It really seems like you don’t want to go, so I’ll just ask Hokuto!” I was already reaching out for the doorknob to leave the dressing room where we had finally been left alone for a moment after the shokura performance.

But before I could reach the doorknob, Kentaro turned me around on my shoulder facing me with determined eyes.

“I’m going! I’m definitely going!” I knew he would take the bait when I play angry. I tried hard to keep my performance up and screamed at my lips in silence to not form a smile now.

“Okay, so tomorrow noon at the Tokyo Station! Don’t forget your swimming gear,” was all I said before turning around leaving him behind. He would probably run up and down the room ruffling through his hair trying to figure out how I had convinced him to join in, but I didn’t feel guilty at all. I felt really satisfied! When I closed the door behind me I leaned against the door for a moment letting my lips finally form the smile it demanded all the time.

***

The light breeze at the beach felt so good against the skin. The sun was burning merciless for the past two days, but underneath the sun shade and with the light salty tasting breeze from the ocean it was kind of bearable. At least more bearable than Kentaro at the moment. For two days straight he managed to just ignore me most of the time and I felt too exhausted to make efforts anymore. I was really exhausted, not just physical, but also mental. How could it be so hard to crack his shell? Or was I really imagine all of this? Were my feelings for him so overwhelming that they blurred my sight? Maybe he wasn’t feeling anything for me at all and I just made all of this up to feel better.

“Taiga, are you alright?” In my thoughts I didn’t realize that Kentaro was speaking to me and waving with his hand in front of my face.

“Oh. Sorry I just spaced out for a moment. What is it?”

“The lifeguards just said that they have to close the beach for today, because the wind is getting so strong and the waves are too high.”

When I looked to the ocean again I realized that the water was really restless and the waves were getting higher and higher. When I looked at them seeing them deflating in themselves I saw my own restlessness inside of them.

I couldn’t really explain why, but in the blink of an eye a huge wave of anger filled my body. I looked at Kentaro who was of course just looking around waiting unsettled for me to get up so we could go back to the hotel to do nothing at all, like we did all this time. Even though he was so near me finally, I couldn’t reach him. I just wanted to scream, scream as loud as I could that I loved him, but my pride just told me not to. But that made my chest feel even tighter than it did already for all these months.

“Taiga would you please hurry? I’m not in the mood to get yelled at by the lifesavers for not leaving.” When Kentaro turned away, arms crossed in front of his chest flicking his tongue I snapped.

“Why do you always just care for yourself?” I realized I had shouted louder than I wanted when Kentaro flinched out of surprise turning around to me with wide eyes while I got to my feet.

“What?” For a moment he looked hurt, but his face changed into his typical coldhearted stoned defense glance. Like nothing could come close to him like this.

“What are you afraid of? Or are you just too stupid to read the atmosphere around you?”

I wanted him to respond. I didn’t care anymore! Even if he would scream an answer at me I would be satisfied, but he just started laughing. His arrogant look and his crooked smile made something inside of me going insane.

“You are really weird sometimes, you know that? I’m really not in the mood for one of your weird emotional breakdown at the moment!”

I felt that he didn't mean what he said. He was just searching for something to say that would keep his façade right at his place, but this time it was too much! When he wanted to turn around again to leave I turned him back on his shoulder forcefully, before he could complain my fist collided with his cheekbone and he landed backwards on the sand looking at me in shock.

I somehow wanted to apologies, knowing that normally I would feel sorry, but I couldn’t! After all this time I gave him to give me a sign if I should continue loving him or just give up on him, he was just making the situation even more complicated.

If he would just ignore me or would tell me that he won’t hang out with me anymore it would be fine! I would just give up! But he was always there! Regardless all my obvious signs to him that I loved him, he didn’t back off, he never left my side. So why was he behaving like this every time I thought he might confess to me finally. Why was there always this huge wall blocking his way?

“I gave you so many chances! All the time I cherished this little miserable shit of hope, which I had stuffed somewhere in my heart, JUST FOR SOMEONE LIKE YOU!” My vision got blurry and my voice broke.

“Taiga, I…” Kentaro tried to get up and I wasn’t sure if he tried to reach out for me, but I didn’t care. I just turned around running along the beach away from all the people. I knew if I would run back to the hotel I wouldn’t get enough time for myself until he would catch up with me, so I ran along the beach to the part where no people were walking anymore. I just wanted to be alone. I ignored Kentaro’s shouting behind me and was really glad for my long legs. I knew he had no chance to catch up.

When I finally dared to stop or more had to stop because my legs couldn’t keep up with the wish of my confused and stressed out mind to just leave this place and Kentaro behind as far as possible.

When I sat down to make the stars in front of my eyes disappear I realized that the sand underneath me was gone and stones had replaced it.

I had run of so far that I had reached the cliffs. Now I was really happy that I had left my shoes one when we were back at the beach, they were just some light canvas shoes, but without them my feet would me pretty much hurt by now.

The weather had turned really bad in the matter of minutes. The wind was getting stronger with any minute and now the blue sky was gone and dark clouds had covered it. I was torn between rushing back to the hotel, because I knew that a typhoon could turn out really bad and just remaining here maybe making Kentaro realize how much I was hurt by him!

I was ruffling through my hair forcefully getting up to my feet again making a few steps towards the edge of the cliff.

“KENTARO! YOU IDIOT!” I was screaming so loud that my lungs hurt. Then finally the first raindrops brushed over my face. Good for me, like this no one could see my tears. But no one would have seen me there anyways.

“How can you be so blind….” I was whispering the words to myself. Was he really the blind one or was it me? The tears just didn’t want to stop and my anger was still churning inside of me like the waves clashing on the edge of the cliffs.

“How can you not see that I love you?” I screamed again, this time sobbing on my own words. But I knew that the ocean couldn’t answer me, the only one who could, would maybe never do it.

I had to think back at all the times when we watched dramas together and he always made fun out of the overacted feelings. He said that when he had to play a role like this he really liked it, because he always could play a character he could never be in real life. But wasn’t he acting ridiculous in real life as well? And what was I doing here? Would he make fun out of me now, because I had a mental breakdown because of him? Would he think I was just playing all these emotions? Even though he wouldn’t believe it, but all those “overacted” emotions can be felt in real life as well, I was the perfect example at the moment.

A loud crash got me out of my cruel thoughts. When I jerked out of surprise searching for the origin of the sound I realized that the typhoon had turned even worse and lighting and thunder were all around me. The rain had gotten harder and I could barely see more than a few meters.

So I finally decided to go back to the hotel even if that meant to be confronted with another wave of anger when I would see Kentaro. But when I entered the hotel room just a few minutes later he wasn’t there. For a moment I thought he just left for some other place around the hotel or even had left for Tokyo after he returned from the beach, but after I looked at his stuff I saw that he hadn’t returned at all.

“No…” Panic rose up inside of me when I looked out of the window. The typhoon had turned out to be much worse than anyone of us might have expected. And Kentaro was still out there searching for me.

I was running downstairs and through the lobby trying to stop myself from imagining what could have happened to him until now. It would all be my fault, if something would have happened.

First I ran back to the beach starting to follow my own way towards the cliffs. Kentaro had seen the direction were I had ran off to, so he must have at least tried to follow me to the same direction. I was more than happy that the hotel was next to the beach and my emotional breakdown didn’t take more than a few minutes, so I was sure that he had to be around somewhere, if he would still be searching for me.

But the rain was so heavy that I was about to give up to find him out here without being able to see my surroundings clearly, when my eyes fell on a body on the ground a few meters away from me.

“KENTARO!” Even through the rain I recognized him right away. When I reached out for him turning him around to me he didn’t really seemed hurt. I couldn’t see any wounds, I wondered what had happened. I feared that he was stroke by lightning, but after examination his clothes and body I was sure that this was to my relief not the case. But for now I just wanted him to wake up, I wanted to make sure that he was okay regardless what had happened.

“Kentaro! Kentaro, please wake up!” I was clapping on his cheek carefully, but when he didn’t react I used a little bit too much force changing the fear that was rising inside of me into actions.

“Please, Kentaro wake up!” The tears started to flow over my cheeks again, but I knew it wasn’t the time for a breakdown now.

“There you are!” On the sound of his weak voice I looked up to his face. His eyes seemed so tired, but he put so much effort in forming a smile that I just didn’t care for know that we had a fight I was just so relieved that I could see his smile again.

“Thanks god! I was so worried.” I said while my voice broke and sobs were taking its place.

“Stupid! What do you think how worried I was when you ran of while a typhoon was approaching?” He replied while hitting my shoulder with the back of his hand with a weak clap. He looked so fragile right now. I’ve never seen him like this before. Yes of course he was the type to overwork himself. He had collapsed several times at work already, but never called in ill of course and everyone was worried about his pale skin color and his weight all the time . But that was unfortunately nothing unusual around Johnny’s. I just had to remind myself of Kamenashi-senpai or Kouta-senpai! They were really walking ghost for a long time and everyone was worried, but in the end they were fine. We all had our “overwork” times.

So I guessed it was the same for Kentaro! Before we came here Kentaro was rushing from one appointment to the other and even though we were not doing much more then lying in the sun for the last two days his body must still have been exhausted and my outburst on him must have made it even worse.

“Let’s get back to the hotel. Sleeping on the sand is not really my favorite image of a relaxing holiday.” Kentaro said still with a weak voice trying to sound funny. But I wasn’t letting my guard down. Even though he seemed fine to get up by himself I couldn’t stop myself from helping him. I supported him the whole way back to the hotel trying to convince him to see a doctor, but he wouldn’t let me bring him to a clinic.

“My body is just too stressed out! When I was running after you it was just too much. You were just too fast and even though my body couldn’t keep up with your pace my mind wanted to.” I was letting go of his arm which I had put around my shoulder letting himself drop on the hotel bed as we finally had made it back.

“You should not have tried to follow me, if you already felt that bad.” I said more to myself as to him, now feeling guilty for leaving him behind. I was sitting down next to him, while he was stretching himself out on the bed regardless his wet and dirty clothes.

“But I had to get to you no matter what.”

“We had a fight! You should have just left me alone and waited here for me. You knew that you couldn’t reach me, why did you try. Now you’re making me the bad guy here.”

“But if I would have calmed down again I knew I would have just hid behind my wall again.”

“I’m not sure what you are talking about, but you should really sleep now!” I was not in the mood for a discussion. I knew I should care for him more than for me, but I was still a little bit angry, so I just wanted him to rest and have a little bit time for myself. But something had changed in Kentaro’s behavior.

When I wanted to stand up and get the yukata from the chair so he could at least change into dry clothes he sat up and put both his hands on my face to turn my head in his direction. Everythign happened so fast that I didn’t realize what was going on until his lips were already on mine.

The kiss was short and cold. I felt Kentaro’s cold lips shaking against mine, but before I could even respond anything after he backed off, he looked into my eyes still holding my face in his cold hands.

“I love you! And I’m so sorry for not letting you know earlier, even though I knew that this is what you wanted to hear!”

I didn’t know what to answer, this was the last thing I thought would happen. For a moment I jsut stared at him and I could see that it was difficult for him to climb over his wall and finally tell me. I still didn't know why it was so hard for him to admit his feelings, but I didn't want him to regret it, so I just took a deep breath before reaching out for him and putting my lips back on his. At first Kentaro froze, removing his hands from my cheeks. I put my hands carful around hid neck and finally he relaxed. 

His hands found his way on my hips after a moment, while I put my hands up into his hair. Thanks to my own body warmth Kentaro’s body seemed to finally get a little bit warmer too. And even though I wanted this kiss to continue forever so that I would never doubt that this was really happening right now, I knew that he really had to rest.

So I backed of unwillingly putting my forehead against his.

“You really have to rest now! We still have much time for things like this from now on.”

When I felt Kentaro shaking I knew that this time it wasn’t because of the cold, but because he tried to suppress his chuckling.

What would I have given at that moment to be able to freeze time? It was maybe the happiest moment we ever had shared. Maybe everything would have been easier for us, if we wouldn’t have went there on this day or when we would just have never spoken to each other after our fight. But that would also mean that everything that happened afterwards would have been no part of my life. All those memories were the most precious I’ve ever made and I was sure to keep them in my heart forever, no matter what hardship and sorrow were connected to them.

 

 

 


	2. First Obstacles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Taiga had fallen for Yasui and he had almost given up on the possibility of Yasui having feelings for him at all, it seemed like a miracle as Yasui finally gave away his own feelings for him. But fate didn't seem to grant them their happiness and Taiga would have no other choice than accepting the cruel reality, which would take Yasui away from him way too soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be ready for spelling/grammar mistakes, logical mistakes and a major character death(!)  
> I wrote this multi chap a long time ago and it is partly based on a personal experience. I wasn't sure for a long time, if I should really post it, but here it is, so I hope you enjoy reading :)

**Taiga’s POV**

„Stop teasing me! Taiga, I’m talking to you!“

But of course Kentaro knew that I didn’t care what he wanted at the moment. I was sitting behind him on his bed stroking over his stomach muscles under his shirt and kissing his neck, happy about finally having some time together, after our schedules had been stuffed with appointments  24/7, ever since we'd returned from our totally messed up holiday weekend  at the beach.

“Shut up! I know you like it,” was all I said chuckling before I bit in his earlobe forcing something between a pleasured moan and an annoyed groan out of him.

“I never said I didn’t. But I just asked you something!”

I groaned rolling my eyes, knowing that he couldn’t see it. I wouldn’t let him destroy my mood, just because he was always questioning everything that was happening between us.

“Yes!”

“Huh?”

“The answer to your question! It’s yes! Yes I’m serious about both of us dating and you are as well or would you invite me to your place willingly like that even though I told you for over one week now that I want us to deepen our relationship?”

He didn’t answer, but even though I couldn’t see his face, I knew he was blushing. He knew what it would mean to invite me over like this. I would of course not force him to anything knowing that I was his first boyfriend even though he was older than me, but I wanted him to at least let us try a few things before he could wriggle himself out of it before we even did anything in the first place.

All the mess from the Onjuku beach was not even lying two weeks behind us, but we were both not speaking about it anymore. For both of us it was one of our worst and best memories at the same time. We just accepted everything that happened there, without questioning anything, not the positive or the negative memories from that day. We just moved on together.

“You really must have missed me!” Kentaro said finally when I just returned to kissing down his neck and tried to open his belt, after I took his silence as an okay to continue.

“Of course I did, the fan service on stage is not enough at all, it even makes things worse.” After our trip to the beach we had just time to meet up for a few hours every day between work. This time it was the first time for us to be really together in private and I didn’t want to lose time.

“It just makes your fantasy worse!” Kentaro teased, before he turned his head to meet me halfway for a passionate kiss. At first the kisses we shared in secret at work were hard and messy all the time, after a while it seemed like we started to move in synchrony and with every time it felt more intimate.

As I couldn’t bear it anymore I just lifted myself up a little bit and spun myself in front of Kentaro sitting on top of him getting rid of our shirts before kissing him again while pressing him carefully down on the mattress .

I finally managed to open his pants, trying to not break our kiss again. When I put my hand slowly into them he let out a deep moan and the kiss started to get messy while our tongues picked a fight and I was moving my hand over his boxers forcing one moan after another out of him.

When I backed off a little bit he had his eyes shut first, but when he opened them they locked with mine almost automatically. I could see that he enjoyed it, but there was also some kind of insecurity showing in his eyes.

“How far do you dare to go?” I asked scanning Kentaro’s eyes.

“Taiga, you know…”

“Yes I know, don’t worry. That’s why I asked! But I bet you won't have anything against me helping you out, right?”

As there formed some kind of embarrassed lopsided smile on his face I started kissing down his neck until I reached his collarbone. When I licked over his nipples I made him shiver. I kissed over his stomach until I had reached his pants. He lifted his hips voluntarily as I started pulling on them. As I had finally pulled them down together with his boxers and didn't hesitate to take him into my hand to lick over his tip I could feel him tense for a moment.

Against all this sexy and inviting fan service stuff Kentaro showed to the fans on stage, he was really shy and careful about our - until now not existing - sex life.

He was older than me, but I was indeed his first boyfriend and the fact that he went to an all boys school wasn't so helpful to get a girlfriend either. On the other hand I've had a boyfriend before, even though, to be honest, I had been with him only to distract myself from the fact that I was in love with Kentaro. I had tried to deny my feelings for some time, because of our work, but it was just impossible to be around him all the time and dating someone else.

It had been some kind of torture for me to wait that long to be finally allowed to touch him, but I still tried to take one step after the other, moving on carefully until he was ready. So today I hoped he was ready to go at least this far.

I didn’t lose much time not wanting Kentaro to think about what we were doing. I took him into my mouth and started sucking him with slow pace, already making him whining my name desperately. As he clenched his hands into my hair I decided that it would be better to not tease him for too long and made him reach his climax really fast.

I was crawling up to face him again putting my arms to the side of his head, while he was still breathing hard against my lips. I leant down so that we were just a few inches away from each other and I could feel his breath on my lips.

“That wasn’t that bad, was it?” I asked with a lopsided smile.

But Kentaro just smiled against my lips instead of answering before he pulled me into another kiss. I was determined to pay him back for all the times he would leave me unfinished until he was ready. But for now I was happy enough, if he would let me pleasure him like I wanted to.

***

One month had passed and we were moving on with our relation, step by step. But I really got a little bit impatient with Kentaro by now. I had confronted him with the actual question, if he was ready for you know what, already several times over the month, but he had refused me every single time. And the fact that I always had to help out myself after I had satisfied him didn’t make it easier for me to keep my patience.

I could feel that there was something else he didn't tell me about why he acted all shy over the topic "sex", but I decided to turn things around in the evening. I already had a plan and couldn’t wait for today’s shokura rehearsal to end.

“Why are you grinning like your mouth corners are stapled to your cheeks?” Hokuto asked while we took a break.

“Am I that obvious?” I asked chuckling, taking a sip from my water bottle.

“If you mean as obvious as being happy about dating Kentaro-kun, then yes you are!”

On that I spit out the water at him by accident. First I wanted to apologize, but he deserved it, didn’t he? And he was just looking too hilarious now that his expression had changed from teasing to lightly grossed as he tried to find a tissue. So I couldn’t stop myself from laughing at him until my stomach started to hurt.

I could see how he wanted to say something, but shut himself up when a hand landed on my shoulder.

“What’s so funny?”

When I turned around Kentaro was standing behind me smiling. “Hokuto-kun what happened to you?” When his eyes fell on him he started laughing like me and I knew that for now Hokuto and my conversation would be over. But later I would definitely have to ask him how he found out about our relationship. But at least I was sure that he wouldn’t tell anyone.

It was still one more hour until the end of the rehearsal and I just couldn’t wait to return home with Kentaro afterwards.

When I looked over to him as he went back in front of the mirror I realized that his movements somehow got messy. He didn’t appear unconcentrated, not at all. It was even the opposite way around. He tried so hard to make the right moves, but somehow it seemed like he couldn’t keep up with the pace of the choreography, even though he danced it before several times.

My eyes just wandered of him for the split of a second as I reached out for my water bottle when I heard a loud bounce and someone shouting Kentaro’s name.

I swirled around standing up so fast that I saw stars in front of my eyes for a second. After I had blinked them away, I found myself staring at Kentaro’s body on the floor and the other juniors crowded around him shouting his name. Keigo was already sitting next to him carefully shaking him on his shoulders, but he didn’t react.

For a moment I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even breathe. It was supposed to be a nice day, a really nice one. And now I found myself in the same situation as before at the beach. But this time it was different, wasn’t it? It was not the first time for Kentaro to collapse at a rehearsal. He was this “workaholic” and “always making everyone worry” type. But it felt different this time, even htough I tried to convince myself that I was imagining it.

I closed my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath, forcing my legs to move forward. I sat down next to Keigo scanning Kentaro’s face. Normally when he collapsed out of exhaustion he was all tense and sweaty. But this time he seemed so still, somehow even relaxed. When I touched his face he was ice cold.

I grabbed him by the shoulders pushing Keigo away a little bit too forcefully and started shaking Kentaro.

“Come on, would you cut it out already. This is really not funny!” Even though I wanted to stay calm, my voice gave away my worry.

When he didn’t react to my shaking, Hokuto was already on his way outside, searching for the choreographer or a staff member to call an ambulance. But I couldn’t wait for an ambulance. I needed him to wake up now. I had to make sure that he was alright. Even though I felt totally helpless and like crying, something inside of me got angry. So angry that it just acted on its own.

“KENTARO! WAKE UP!” I screamed so loud that the juniors around us flinched and backed off a little as I lifted my hand and gave him the hardest slap on the cheek, which I had ever given someone.

When I realized what I had done I was shocked of my own actions looking at my shaking hand, but when I looked back at Kentaro and he was staring at me with wide eyes my heart just missed a beat.

“Taiga? What happened?” When he looked around seeing all the observing eyes on him and Hokuto almost stumbling as he ran back inside the room followed by the choreographer with his phone at his ear, realization seemed to come to him.

“I passed out, didn’t I?” He said in a guilty voice raising both his eyebrows on me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare all of you. I might have overworked myself again these days,” he said with a small chuckle, already trying to lift himself up into a sitting position, obviously trying to play down how serious the situation really was. But before he could get up completely I just hugged him as tight as I could, ignoring how many rumors the other juniors would start about us from today.

“Taiga?” Kentaro tried to push me away so at least his strength was already back it seemed. But I wouldn’t let go of him. I felt so insecure, like it was something I should be able to understand and help with, but couldn't. It was hard to explain it myself, but now that we were together, my awareness of Kentaro’s doings and appearance had totally changed.

After the choreographer made sure that Kentaro felt alright again, he canceled the ambulance on Kentaro’s own wish. But even though he tried to play alright I didn’t leave his side for the rest of the day and not letting him return home alone, even though I knew that my actual plans had to wait.

“It’s fine, really. You can go now,” Kentaro said for the at least tenth time, when he unlocked the door to his apartment.

“Yeah sure, as if I would leave you alone tonight,” I replied kind of angry, because of his stubbornness, passing him and letting myself into his apartment.

It seemed like he just gave up on persuading me to leave as he just sighed and locked the door from the inside. I made sure that he went to bed as soon as possible, slipping underneath the blanket right next to him.

“Are you angry at me?” I asked worried.

“What? Why should I?”

“You didn’t say anything after we entered your apartment.”

“No I’m not angry. I think I’m just exhausted.” With that he just turned away from me hiding his face in the blanket pretending to be really tired.

But I knew that he was hiding something. I had observed him with x-ray like eyes today and I could tell that there was something he wasn’t telling me. But for now I didn’t want to think about it too much. I just wanted to feel relieved that he was alright for now.

When I slipped my hands around his waist from behind and pulled him against my body he took a sharp breath.

“What are you doing?” He asked in a low voice.

“Nothing…Just making sure that you are still here when I wake up.” I said before putting my forehead against his back closing my eyes. Now he started relaxing as well putting his hands on mine.

“I love you!”

For a moment I didn’t even realize what he had said. It was the first time after he had confessed to me that he actually said it again.

“I know,” was all I replied, before I got a flick of his tongue together with a slap on my hands. I started giggling on his annoyed behavior, before I answered seriously.

“I love you, too.”

“Thank you!”

With that we fell silent, just listening to each other’s heartbeat.

Everything seemed alright again. I had promised myself that I would look after him more closely from now on. I believed that if I took better care of him, everything would be alright.

How could I have known that this was something that I couldn’t take care of…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading and if something caught your interest just let me know in a comment :)


	3. Unexpected change of plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Taiga had fallen for Yasui and he had almost given up on the possibility of Yasui having feelings for him at all, it seemed like a miracle as Yasui finally gave away his own feelings for him. But fate didn't seem to grant them their happiness and Taiga would have no other choice than accepting the cruel reality, which would take Yasui away from him way too soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be ready for spelling/grammar mistakes, logical mistakes and a major character death(!)  
> I wrote this multi chap a long time ago and it is partly based on a personal experience. I wasn't sure for a long time, if I should really post it, but here it is, so I hope you enjoy reading :)

**Taiga’s POV**

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“WHUAAAAA!....WHAT????”

“Didn’t you hear that?”

“All I heard was you, high pitched, screaming in my ear!” Kentaro scolded me.

“You screamed, too!”

“Yes, after you scared the hell out of me!”

I wasn’t sure anymore if it was such a good idea to go into the horror house right away after arriving at the Fuji-Q amusement park. But after Kentaro and I had barely had any time off in the last week, I decided to search for a place where it wouldn’t look awkward for two guys to share so much body contact. And wasn’t this the right place for it? But my plan didn’t work out the way I wanted it too. I wanted to be the hero, taking Kentaro into my arms when he was scared. Now I was the one screaming at every single sound and movement, ready to jump behind Kentaro at any moment, making him my personal shield.

“Okay, calm down, it’s not so far anymore anyways.” With that Kentaro just took my hand and dragged me through the dark corridors. I tried not to claw my fingernails too deep into his shoulder, when, out of nowhere, someone groaned into my ear from behind.

I screamed out, stumbling forward, losing balance. Kentaro was so surprised by my scream that he swirled around just in time to catch me, but unfortunately he was not strong enough to hold me, so we both fell over and I landed perfectly on top of him.

This would have been the perfect drama moment, with one difference: We were already together, so even as our lips collided when we hit the floor it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. And to be honest it wasn’t as nice as you always see it in dramas. The force while falling over was way too much to let this count as a kiss. But even though Kentaro was grinning at me wide when I got up again, I looked into his eyes, worried.

“Sorry! Are you alright?”

“Even better than that!” Kentaro answered pulling me down to his face again to give me a real kiss this time. We knew that it was way too dark and everything happened too fast for the horror actor behind us to see or get what just happened, so we didn’t care.

***

“Let’s never get in there again, okay?” I begged Kentaro after we had finally reached the exit.

“Hey, it was your idea. I just followed you!” he said, giggling and holding his hand in front of his mouth to hide his teasing smile. I glared at him, squinting my eyes into small slits.

“What?”

“So, if you find this so funny, let’s do something that I think is funny,” I challenged him, unable to suppress a small, evil laugh.

“No you wouldn’t dare to…”

But he already knew what I was trying to get him into right now and even though he really didn’t want to I knew I could convince him in the end.

So after standing half an hour in a row we were finally sitting in the Fujiyama roller coaster.

“First row, are you kidding me?” Kentaro asked staring at me like a scared puppy. I was really mean to enjoy his face, not looking any better a few moments ago. But roller coaster were my specialties, so this was payback time.

He clawed his fingers into my arm already when we started to move, putting his head against my shoulder. I couldn’t stop myself from stroking over his hair slowly.

He stayed silent not moving at all until we almost reached the highest point of the roller coaster.

“Taiga?” He asked his face still buried on my shoulder.

“Yes?” I asked amused of his whining voice.

“If we die now, I just need to tell you something.”

“What would that be?”

For a moment he didn’t answer, and then he rose up his head, finally facing me again. He still looked totally scared. His eyes torn open so wide that I wondered why they hadn’t popped out already.  

So, of course, I couldn’t take his words as serious as I wished I would have. At that moment they were just words spoken in an awkward and kind of funny situation, but thinking back to this time I wished I had acted differently, answered something.

“No matter what will happen, I will never leave your side.”

I smiled at him, even though I knew he wouldn’t return it and just pointed down. It didn’t take long for him to realize what I meant and when he looked in front of the wagon I had the feeling like his heart just sank to his boots, when he realized that we were about to fall.

There was no time for a reply anymore. Kentaro started screaming already before we were even falling completely and I couldn’t take my eyes of him for the whole ride.

“I’ll never forgive you, NEVER!” It was already the third time that Kentaro told me that after we had searched ourselves a place to eat after his stomach had calmed down.

“I’m sorry. I’ll never do something like that to you again, promise,” I said, bowing my head in front of him and lifting my hands in apology. How could I have known that he was not just scared of roller coasters, but that his stomach couldn’t take it either?

After we got off he was running to the toilet like his life depended on it. Waiting outside I felt really guilty, but he was looking a lot better after he came out again. So now, half an hour later, he was finally able to eat something again. As recompense, I treated him to lunch at moss burger next to the wild mouse roller coaster. Every time he looked out of the window over to it a shiver ran over his back, even though it was just a children’s roller coaster.

“Okay so for the evening…” I started.

“Are you kidding me? There is no way I’m going to let you decide what we are doing this evening.” Kentaro interfered almost choking on his coke.

“Oh come on. It can’t get worse than this, can it?” I asked teasing.

He looked at me doubting, but gave up in the end, letting me decide where to go in the evening. We were both already really exhausted when we arrived back in Tokyo, but I didn’t want us to just call it a day. We had a free day tomorrow as well. Do you know what kind of rare opportunity this was? I wouldn’t just let it pass like this!

“Karaoke, are you serious?” Kentaro asked disbelieving when we arrived in front of the huge round1 building in Shibuya.

“Why not?”

“Because I will fall asleep after you sang one of your beloved ballads,” he said, chuckling, hitting my shoulder lightly.

“Then I’m just going to sing One Ok Rock or Nightmare songs the whole time, then you can’t fall asleep.”

We both burst out laughing at the same moment on the image in our heads.

We were already singing for over two hours and even I got tired by now, but I knew that when I would call it a day, Kentaro would just excuse himself at the station and leaving home without me and I wasn’t kind in the mood to be left alone for the night. I had made my mind up already before we planned what we were doing on our long weekend and I wanted this to be really special. After such a long time now, to be more direct four months together, I wanted to confront Kentaro finally with the topic he always tried to ignore: Sex! Yes we had our little things here and there and I was already happy that Kentaro let me help him out in several ways already, but my wish to actually feel him was growing bigger and bigger with every day.

And the fact that Kentaro was singing kiss-your-mind at the moment wasn’t really a big help getting this thought out of my head. He was standing in front of me rolling his hips like crazy, dancing through the small room like he was on stage. I knew that he actually did this to not get tired, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

I just stood up, crossed the small distance between us and reached out for him. He had almost no time to get the microphone out of the way, before I had clenched my hands into fists in his hair and pressed a kiss on his lips, forcing him backwards until he collided with the wall. First he tensed, maybe worried about us getting interrupted, but he relaxed fast returning my maybe a little bit too forceful kiss willingly.

Our kiss was messy and wet, all day long I had wanted to kiss him, but at the FujiQ there was no single moment I could have done it, except for the small incident at the horror house and that had been too short to really count. So of course my desire to run my fingers over his body was growing so big after just one whole day that I couldn’t stop myself from being a little bit rough.

I just turned us around and threw him on the couch putting myself on top of him not losing any time to open his pants.

“Taiga not here!” He tried to get a grip of my hands while looking at the door worryingly. But I just ignored him, starting to undo the bottoms of his shirt, while trying to open his pants with the other one. When I finally got his shirt open I started to kiss up and down his stomach, now reaching into his underwear to get a grip on him making him moan already. 

“Taiga, I’m serious!” He needed a moment to find his voice again and even though he scolded me he tried to get himself away underneath me with the effort of a 6 year old, so you couldn’t really call this resistance.

“I’m as well!” I said lifting my head up to face him. Still leaving my hand in his pants crawling up to his face a little bit to put my lips on his, waiting for any kind of reaction.

When he tried to play poor sports and didn’t react at all, I tightened my grip and stroke over his tip with my thumb. He couldn’t suppress a moan and I took my chance to use the space to get my tongue access to his mouth. I stroke over his whole length in a slow rhythm now forcing one moan after the other out of him.

I broke our kiss just for a short moment giving both of us enough time to fill our lungs with air again before I finally confronted him with his most ignored topic in our relationship.

“Let me feel you!”

“What?”

“You know exactly what I mean!”

I wasn’t in the mood for him to play dumb. We had this discussion so often until now.

“If you say yes we can relocate this to your bedroom, if the answer is no I will have to let you come so hard right here right now that the whole building will hear it.”

“You can’t be…”

I didn’t let him end his sentence, but kissed him again shutting him up instead, before stroking over him with an even more firm grip and a faster rhythm.

When he let out a desperate moan inside my mouth I pulled back again.

“Yes or no?”

“I can’t just…”

He really didn’t get it. Of course I just shut him up again with my lips. He knew exactly that I would continue like this until he just gave me an answer.

So the next time I pulled back he took a deep breath thinking about what he was saying first before responsing anything stupid again.

“Okay, yes.”

“That doesn’t really sound enthusiastic, you know!”

“Oh I’m sorry. Would it please you more, if I would scream like a fangirl telling you that I’m so looking forward to sleep with you even though it will definitely be more pleasant for you than for me?”

“Hey, don’t be like this. It’s not that bad! If we do it right, it will be fine.”

“Sure…” Kentaro said rolling his eyes on me, while I got up from him letting him dress himself.

“Are you really so afraid of the pain? Or is it something else that bothers you about it?” I asked serious.

“No, it’s just…You know it’s something really special to me. Not that you think that I care that it’s a guy, just because I had a girlfriend before.”

On that I raised an eyebrow on him.

“Wuhaa…” He was tearing on his hair desperate. “That totally didn’t sound the way I wanted it to.”

“I kind of guessed that.” I said chuckling.

“Okay to say it more direct and without any possibility of a misunderstanding I always told myself that I would wait at least until I was in a long relationship and maybe even engaged before having sex. I know it sounds old fashioned, but anyaways now all this would be a little bit difficult.”

“So if you got this yourself, why are you still hesitating?”

“What?”

“Oh come on! There are just two possibilities why you denied me so often until now. First you thought that our relationship wouldn’t last long enough for you to take this step or second that you just didn’t get yourself that it was okay to do the next step already, because we are not like a normal couple which can be all lovey-dovey all day long and sit in the last row in the cinema kissing or getting engaged or married, even though I would liek to see the faces of our senpais if we would actually do it.”

When he met my eyes again I could see that he really had been too naïve and maybe jsut too shy to realize himself, that he could actually just move on with our relationship. So he really let me wait all this time, because of the laziness to change his point of view.

“Okay I guess it would be best, if we finally relocate this conversation to your bedroom.”

“What, wait…” He looked totally confused when I just stood up taking his hand to leave.

“No! No more waiting! I was waiting for too long already.” I wasn’t actually angry. I was more like trying to convince him that it was fine to finally take this step, so I hoped my emotions reached him.

“Please Kentaro!” After we fell silent for a moment and he had faced the floor his mind obviously racing, I was sure that there was also something else connected to his hesitation, but I didn`t wnt to ask.

But when he looked up again, my heart skipped a beat, when he looked at me with such determined and of all trusting eyes, which reminded me why I had fallen in love with him in the frist place. If the one true love really excisted, it was definitely him and even though I sounded like a drama character to myself I believed in my own thoughts. Kentaro trusted me and his smile was not just about tonight, but something that I would see so often from now on, which would comfort me and keep me strong every single day for the rest of my life, even though I would have to close my eyes to see it, but it hadn`t been the time to think about that.

He had finally completely opened up to me. There was just this one secret he kept inside of him. He kept it locked away so desperate that it couldn’t take even a little bit of his bright smile away. I wished he would have let me see his struggle and despair through his smile back then. I can't be sure if it would have been of any help, if I had known his secret earlier, but now I feel like I had lived with a blind spot and therefore missed a part of him for too long.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading and if something caught your interest just let me know in a comment :)


	4. Just a normal couple?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Taiga had fallen for Yasui and he had almost given up on the possibility of Yasui having feelings for him at all, it seemed like a miracle as Yasui finally gave away his own feelings for him. But fate didn't seem to grant them their happiness and Taiga would have no other choice than accepting the cruel reality, which would take Yasui away from him way too soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be ready for spelling/grammar mistakes, logical mistakes and a major character death(!)  
> I wrote this multi chap a long time ago and it is partly based on a personal experience. I wasn't sure for a long time, if I should really post it, but here it is, so I hope you enjoy reading :)

** **

**Taiga’s POV**

“Are you really sure about this?”

“If you ask one more time, I’ll just leave and you’ll never have sex with me in your entire life, I swear.”

“Okay, okay. I just wanted to make sure, that it’s alright for you.”

“You made sure of that already, the first time you asked. This is the third!”

Kentaro and I had already landed in his bed undressed, skipping the foreplay and every unnecessary extra that could make Kentaro change his mind. So now that this was actually about to happen, I was kind of afraid to make a wrong move so that I might actually hurt him. There were so many thoughts racing against each other in my mind and Kentaro seemed to have noticed.

“Seeing you like this makes me almost believe that you are the one having your first time here,” he said with a supporting smile. “Don’t worry. I told you I’m ready and I trust you, so it will definitely be alright!”

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment before clenching my fists into his hair pulling him into a kiss. My sudden roughness made him freeze against my lips for a moment, but when I stopped moving right away, he relaxed again. I pulled back just a little bit to put my forehead against his.

“Sorry. It’s just that every time you show me this smile I just want to kiss you.” I could feel how he tried to supress a chuckle and I faced him again. When he didn’t say anything and just gave me another smile I was sure that he was really fine with me moving on seriously. I pushed him down on the sheets kissing him as passionate as possible.

I wanted to distract him as good as possible while grabbing the lube from the nightstand. When I moved my hand down to his entrance after rubbing some of the lube on them he tensed and I broke our kiss to look into his eyes. He took my face into his hands, as he saw my worried eyes. “I told you, it’s okay!”

I felt already more than stupid to worry that much. But I wanted to feel him so badly by now, that exactly this grew into the problem. I had to hold myself back so much that it was about to tear me apart. I have had sex before, but when I remembered my first time it wasn’t that nice and I didn't want to create a painful memory for Kentaro.

“Don't worry so much, stupid!” He hit me lightly on the forehead, waking me up from my daydreams. He pulled me down into another kiss and I finally slipped one finger in carefully making him moan into my mouth. I took my time to stretch him carefully after I put another finger in. His moans turned kind of painful and I couldn’t really concentrate on our kiss anymore, but I knew if I would back off too much I would make him unsure.

I had to stretch him even more and go in deeper to be sure that he would be ready, but his moans already turned into whimpers as he broke our kisses all the time, closing his eyes and breathing in sharp.

“Kentaro, you have to relax a little bit more.”

“I try,” he said, his voice already sounding exhausted. “Can't we speed all this up a little bit somehow?” he asked desperate.

“But if I don’t prepare you enough, it will hurt even more,” I tried to explain even though I would like to just do as he wished. But his painful expression made me worry too much again and I convinced myself that it would maybe be better for him to get over this a little bit quicker.

I pulled out my fingers carefully, rubbing some of the lube over my cock. Seeming thankful for the small break Kentaro finally relaxed a little bit and I leant over to his face again.

“Exactly this relaxed you have to stay!” I commanded.

“Ha, ha,” was all he replied before gulping nervously when I spread his legs as much as possible positioning myself between them. I could feel how he already tensed again, so I decided to make it a little bit easier for him.

“Turn around.”

“What?”

“It’s easier to relax like this. No objection.” When I saw that he wanted to talk back I just turned him around helping him to find a good position in which he could relax the best.

“Now, that doesn’t feel awkward at all,” he said in a weird voice. When I tried to look into his face I could see that he had blushed. Sure this was how everyone would imagine it, so no wonder that it was kind of embarrassing for him. But this is not what I wanted him to feel like, so I just wrapped my arms around his chest and kissed over his neck. He started to shiver and when he finally dared to turn his head around to meet me halfway I kissed him short but intense.

“See it’s the same. It doesn’t matter which way around. This is just easier for now.” I tried to find the right words to not make him feel uneasy again and it seemed to work, because he lured me into another kiss. “Don’t let me wait any longer!” He whispered against my lips. 

Who is the one waiting here?, I would have liked to reply, but I knew it wasn’t the time for my selfishness. I made him shiver again when I stroke over his butt feeling his entrance with my fingers again. Finally he really relaxed a little bit and so I didn’t lose time anymore and went inside of him slowly. At first it seemed okay, but a few moments later Kentaro let out a painful groan and grabbed the sheets so tight that his knuckles turned white. Automatically I hold my breath and didn't dare to move in deeper.

“It’s okay!” He tried to sound convincing, but I could hear the pain in his shaking voice.

I knew he would have scolded me, if I would start a discussion again so I tried to calm myself down and move in deeper. He was already breathing really hard obvious suppressing any kind of sound to not make me worry.

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but it could hurt even a little bit more for a moment when I start moving more.” I wasn’t sure if I really should have told him that, but I guessed he had the right to know.

“Great…” he laughed bitterly.

When I was finally in completely I started moving in a slow rhythm, trying to hold my wish to just push both of us over the edge back as much as possible, because even though I tried my best to take this step by step my own longing to feel him was way too overhelming at this moment and every time I had to stop myself from moving my body screamed at me. Kentaro couldn’t suppress his groans anymore and even though I felt kind of sorry, because he still held on to the sheets burying his face in the pillow, I just couldn't stop myself from moving faster anymore.

Another moan escaped him, but this time I could hear pleasure between the pain. I dared to move a little bit harsher and deeper and finally his own pleasure made him relax as much as I wanted him to from the beginning, making it easier for both of us. When I put my arms around him letting my fingers play around his crotch he couldn’t stop moaning at all anymore. I wanted to take us both to our climax as synchronic as possible, so I took him into one hand strokíng over him firmly. I was trying to figure out how close he was while listening to his pleasured moans.

Our synchronism was amazing, it could have been a coincidence or more like it had to be one, but I didn’t care. We came exactly at the same moment and it made our first time together even better.

As soon as I had my breathing under control again I dropped myself next to him looking into his face. His eyes were closed, but his face was relaxed. There was no sign of tensation or pain left.

When he opened his eyes again he smiled at me. Again his smile was worth more than any word he could have spoken and I gave him a bright smile in return combined with a small chuckle on which he rose an eyebrow at me.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“You wouldn’t chuckle, if it would be nothing!”

“It’s just…I was so afraid of hurting you, of creating a horrible memory or something like this for you,” I said honestly. “So your smile just made me really happy.”

“You just know how to pleasure someone,” he replied teasing, poking his fingers into my stomach, making me giggle.

“At least I know how to pleasure you and I hope I’m allowed to do it again!?”

At first he didn’t answer, instead he looked down on the pillow and I bit my lips afraid that it was after all not what he had expected. Then he turned back again with a lopsided smile.

“Maybe…”

On that I just threw a pillow at him out of reflex and both of us started laughing. I pulled him into my arms as he tried to throw a pillow at me as well.

“That’s unfair!”

He tried to struggle, but I wouldn’t let him. When I finally released him out of my grip I caught his lips with mine the moment he looked up at me.

We were just so happy back then. We got to know each other in such an intimate way that I thought I would know everything about him in no time, but I fooled myself. How could I have known, that someone like him who seemed so honest and openhearted would keep such a burden all to himself just to not hurt someone and to not get hurt himself.

***

Half a year had passed way too soon and of course we had our ups and downs, but all in all our relationship was amazing. After this first night we had spend together everything was just proceeding awesome, wouldn’t there be this one point I was really worried about.

I spent so much time together with Kentaro now that I used to know like everything about his eating-, sleeping- and all the other behaviors you could know of. And also there was nothing suspicious or alarming about his behavior he had already collapsed two times again after the last time at the rehearsal.

The first time was not that big of a deal, we were just wandering around Shibuya when his knees gave in. When I caught him at the last moment, unfortunately a little bit unlucky making his head hit on my ellbow I was first really worried that I might have even hurt him, but as soon as I held him in my arms he was awake again as if nothing would have happened.

The second time, on the other hand, was a little more alarming. We were in the middle of a gamushara performance, when I felt his hand grabbing my shoulder from behind. When I turned around he just fell over right into my arms. Luckily our part was already over and we were about to leave the stage so I just screamed out for Hokuto who was walking in front of us and we carried him off stage. Through all the juniors on stage the fans didn’t see it to our relief. It wouldn’t be such a good publicity, if they would know about Kentaro passing out from time to time. But even though I didn’t want others to know about it, I wanted to know what was going on, but every time I asked him about it, he said he didn’t know himself why he was blacking out so often.  He had told me that the doctors always said it would be because of his low blood pressure and stuff, but wouldn’t they give him medication against it then? But I was quite sure that he never took anything.

“But Hokuto was complaining way too much! It was just about hula hoop, we did worse things at gamushara before and it’s his own fault when he looks like he would have sex while trying to hold the hoop at his waist,” Kentaro said still laughing while we entered his apartment together. We just came back from the gamushara filming and I was happy that at all the performances in the last weeks had worked out without any kind of problems regarding Kentaro.

“And the fail of Myuto was just too cute and…”

I wouldn’t let him finish his sentence, because I had enough of talking about the others already. I just turned him around when we entered the living room shutting him up with my lips. He returned my kiss willingly and it didn’t take long until we found each other shirtless on the couch exploring each other’s body. It was over one week ago that we had time for this and for me that was already one week too much. I didn’t want to wait any longer to feel him.

“Wait!” He grabbed my hand when I tried to open his pants. I looked at him questioningly, maybe even a little bit angry. “Sorry, it’s not what you think. Just let me go somewhere before this, okay?”

I was still confused when he just stood up and left the living room, but when I heard the door of the bathroom closing I had to laugh a little bit to myself. He always had a bad timing.

After a while I thought he would take extra long just to tease me. But after another few minutes had passed I got a little bit worried. I didn’t want to worry about him all the time, but it was hard not to. Every time he made me wait at a station or came late for rehearsal I got all nervous. I was almost about to get to my feet, when I heard the bathroom door slide open.

I felt stupid for worrying so much again and when Kentaro came back into the room he was smiling so bright that I thought it must already hurt.

“I hope you didn’t wait too long?” He asked teasing while standing in the doorframe leaning against it.

I knew he just made me wait for so long to tease me, that was so typical him. I wonder when it started that he enjoyed it so much to see me suffer.

“As a punishment I will do you even harder!” I replied with a lopsided smile.

“I want to see you try, who said I will let you top tonight?”

I asked myself how I had turned him into this kind of person. I must have lost the shy and always blushing boyfriend somewhere between letting him top the first time and having sex on the kitchen table. But it wasn't like I didn’t like his new attitude, not at all.

I gave him a lopsided smile again before sitting up and waving him over to me. On that he let out a small giggle before pushing himself away from the doorframe walking into my direction.

I shot up to my feet without even realizing what I was doing myself at first. Without any kind of warning Kentaro had just fallen over and my body must have reacted without the chance for my mind to catch up with its movement. But this time I wasn’t fast enough. The couch table was blocking my way and exactly this table was also in the way of Kentaro’s fall. So I tried to reach over it to somehow get a grip on Kentaro’s shoulders to stop his fall, but I could just reach him with my fingertips and couldn’t hold his unconscious body up.

“KENTARO!” After the side of his head had collided with the glass sheet of the table I had finally ran around it, turning him around to lift him up into my arms.

“Kentaro, wake up! Come on!” I was shaking him and slapping him on the cheek, but this time he just didn’t wake up again. I was totally panicking and when I took away my hand, with which I had hold up his head, to reach out for my phone I froze and starred at it with wide eyes. It was covered with blood, Kentaro's blood. I screamed at myself to stay calm, because I knew that head injuries always looked horrible, but normally weren’t as bad as they seemed in the beginning. But the fact that he also wasn’t waking up again made it hard to stay calm.

In the end I decided to call an ambulance and every minute that passed felt like an hour. I had squeezed a towel against his head, holding him in my shaking arms, trying to not break down. I tried to shut my thoughts up, which were racing and screaming in my head, but there was just this one horrible thought inside of me repeating itself over and over again: What, if this was really the end? 


	5. one little secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Taiga had fallen for Yasui and he had almost given up on the possibility of Yasui having feelings for him at all, it seemed like a miracle as Yasui finally gave away his own feelings for him. But fate didn't seem to grant them their happiness and Taiga would have no other choice than accepting the cruel reality, which would take Yasui away from him way too soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be ready for spelling/grammar mistakes, logical mistakes and a major character death(!)  
> I wrote this multi chap a long time ago and it is partly based on a personal experience. I wasn't sure for a long time, if I should really post it, but here it is, so I hope you enjoy reading :)

 

Taiga’s POV

„What do you mean, his head injury is not that bad, but something else turned worse? Don’t say stuff like this as a doctor. Is Kentaro ill?” I was sitting next to Kentaro’s hospital bed starring at the doctor in disbelieve.

I was already confused when he came in like he would see Kentaro every month or even every week and when I heard he actually came here very often, I wasn’t confused anymore but worried and angry.

At first I thought he must be joking, I would have realized it, wouldn’t I? But then I knew how he did it without me noticing. He was always making excuses, once or twice a month, saying he was visiting his parents’ house. Sometimes he would take me with him ,so of course I didn’t even think about the possibility that he was not going there, but to the hospital. His parents must have known about his illness or whatever it was, because every time I accompanied him they were talking about him visiting too often.

“So what’s wrong with him?” I was still waiting for an answer of the doctor, but he seemed unsure about what to tell me.

“I guess it would be best if Yasui-san decides for himself, if he wants to tell you or not. He asked us to keep it a secret, even his parents weren't allowed to tell anyone. So for now the most important thing is that he will be fine, his head injury wasn't too bad. He will wake up soon.”

With that he excused himself leaving me behind with too many questions and with too much doubts about what to do when Kentaro woke up. Should I ask him about it or would he finally tell me by himself? And did I really want to know? But in the end I really wanted to. No matter how shocking the truth might be I wanted to know.

***

I had already fallen asleep when I felt some kind of pressure on my hand. I needed a moment to realize what was happening. But when I finally woke up completely out of my deep sleep I realized that it was Kentaro squeezing my hand with which I had still held on to his even while sleeping.

“Kentaro?” I asked in a low voice not sure if he was really awake or just doing this in his sleep and it was too dark to see his face.

First he didn’t reply, but the grip on my hand turned stronger when I spoke up, so I knew he was awake.

“Taiga…” when he started speaking a shiver ran all over my body. I could feel his hand shaking and the sound of his voice told me that he was crying.

“Taiga, I’m so sorry…I really wanted to tell you, but…” he let out a sob and I squeezed his hand to comfort him. After he took a deep breath he continued. “I was just so afraid of telling you. It was hard enough to tell someone else than my parents and they are all so overprotective now and I just can’t take it when people are miserable because of me.”

“Kentaro, if you don’t want to you don’t have to tell me anything or you could just rest for now and we talk later…” Even though I said this I felt totally different. I wanted him to tell me right now, but I couldn’t tell him that.

“No!” He sounded really determined, but also terrified on the other hand. “The truth is-”

***

The waves were high today, the ocean was restless as restless as I felt. Everything in my head was still spinning and not a single thought was making sense at all.

I was sitting at the beach. At this one beach again, were everything had started. I’m not even sure why I came here, but the only thing I wanted to do was running, running away as far as possible. It didn’t matter for me that I left my crying and screaming boyfriend behind.

After he had told me about his illness something in our conversation went totally wrong. I couldn't even remember clearly what I said, but somehow anger had risen inside of me, when I finally got to know about his illness.

“You’re unbelievable…” I had said laughing bitterly sitting next to him with clenched fists resting on my lab.

“Taiga…I really don’t know how to apologize. I know you had the right to know for a long time now!”

“For a long time? How about from the beginning!” I had tried hard to get my voice down. My hands had already started shaking and I had to take a deep breath before I could continue speaking. “What do you think I felt every time you collapsed right in front of me?”

Kentaro had fallen silent and had looked down to his hands twisting his fingers around each other nervously.

“Now that I know what all this is about I feel like a total idiot. I wasn’t wrong worrying over you all this time and even though you knew you I was right you just told me that everything was fine and it would be no big deal, BUT IT IS!” When he had still not looked up to me I had raised my voice, I couldn’t deal with it when people tried to ignore serious situations.

“KENTARO, LOOK AT ME!” My voice must have had sounded really determined, because he had lifted up his head to face me right away, but his eyes had seemed really tired and still red from crying.

“Do you really think an ‘I’m sorry’ will make this all right?” I had asked while looking directly into his eyes. “Am I really just a person to you to whom you can say "I’m sorry" for such a big secret?”

Another tear had escaped his eye, but he had still tried to look at me, but I hadn’t felt pity. The only thing I had been able to feel was anger.

“TALK TO ME!” I had jumped up from the chair making Kentaro flinch. 

“I really don’t know what to say, Taiga! This is hard for me as well. It’s nothing I can just tell everyone about.”

On that I had given him an ironic laughter walking backwards away from the bed with slow steps.

“So now I’m just anyone to you?”

“What? No that’s not what I meant!” When Kentaro had realized how it had sounded to me he looked at me with wide eyes. But inside of me something had alrady crumbled. There was no way for him to fix this anymore.

“TAIGA, WAIT! PLEASE!”

I had ignored his desperate screaming behind me and just started running. At that moment I jsut wanted to run, run as far as possible.

But I wondered myself, why I had found myself at this beach again. Of all places I could have chosen I ran to the place where everything had started. When I remembered how I had found Kentaro lying in the sand motionless a shiver went over my back.

I didn’t know for how long I was sitting there, starring out onto the ocean. It took only half an hour to the beach from Tokyo, but even though it was not really crowded here. The weather was still nice, down the beach a family was playing with their kids in the water, somewhere at the cliffs a group of teenagers was playing around, the girls were screaming, because one of the boys had found a crab and was chasing them with it. On the other side of the beach a girl and a boy were sitting together on a blanket, she rested her head on his shoulder while holding his hand. All of them seemed really happy, as happy as I used to be before my whole world was turned upside down.

Something was tingling on my cheek and when I lifted my hand to find out what it was, my fingertips found a tear running down my cheek. To be honest, I didn’t know why I was crying, I didn’t feel like it. I was still too confused and too angry to let any other emotion out. That’s at least how I felt at that time, but somehow my body reacted differently than my mind.

I watched the sun setting in a beautiful red. Everyone was already gone and I remained alone. I must have been there for half a day, but I didn’t care. It felt good just to sit there, feeling the cool breath from the ocean and think about nothing.

The cool ocean breeze felt a little bit too cold after the sun had set almost completely, but even though I felt cold now, I didn’t want to leave. When I hugged my legs in front of my chest trying to keep me warm someone put a jacket over my shoulders.

I flinched out of surprise and wanted to turn around to see who it was, but there was no need to, when he just put his arms around me hugging me tight and buried his face at the back of my shoulders.

“Kentaro-”

On the sound of his name his grip went tighter.

“Taiga. I’m so sorry!”

“No, you don't have to-”

“No please just listen!” His voice seemed different from before at the hospital. Even though his grip on me was kind of desperate like he was afraid of losing me if he would let go I didn’t feel angry anymore. Somehow I even felt relieved that he had found me here, like I was waiting for him. I would scold him later for leaving the hospital, there was no way he was already allowed out, but now was not the time for it.

“I found out about my illness when I was still in primary school. Of course my parents had to know, because I was still too young to understand what was really going on. They decided not to keep it a secret from me and I’m really thankful to them. But over the time I decided for myself to keep it a secret from most other people. I told the management after I had collapsed on stage once and they had to call an ambulance when I didn’t wake up again. As I told you before when my body doesn’t get some kind of impact I won’t wake up again and if it takes too long….”

He fell silent for a moment. While I was sitting here alone I was thinking about what he had said earlier at the hospital. I had finally understood why he had woken up like nothing happened after he had collapsed. A slap on the cheek, hitting his head on my arm or even on the table, it would give his nerves enough signals to work again. Even though the impact on the table was so hard that he got a concussion.

His nerves were not connected to his muscles as they were supposed to, so sometimes his brain couldn’t connect the signals over the nerves to the muscles. A light version of the illness just made you to not be able to grab things properly or sometimes stumble over you own feet. But this kind, the worse kind, of it can make your heart stop when it takes too long for the body to get an input.

I wasn’t sure, if I would be able to handle something like this myself and, of all, if I could handle it with a boyfriend like myself, being an arrogant asshole just thinking about his own problems and even starting a fight over, maybe, the hardest decision ever made, telling the significant other about it.

“Kentaro, I’m so sorry! I don’t know what came over me.”

Instead of answering he just squeezed me once and let out a relieved long breath.

“Kentaro?”

“Yeah?”

“Will we be able to continue like this?” I got a hold on his arms and buried my face in the sleeves of his pullover.

“No we won’t. But we can continue in a different way. There is nothing wrong with it, if your feelings have changed now that you know about my illness.”

“No that’s not what I meant.” I didn’t want him to misunderstand. I still loved him like before, but something inside of me just couldn’t calm down anymore. This feeling just wouldn’t let me return to the peace I'd felt when I was with Kentaro before.

“I know. But something changed, right?”

“How did you know?”

“I told a friend in middle school about my illness before, I could tell that his behavior changed after I had told him, even though he pretended that nothing had happened. So please don’t even try to hide your feelings, okay?”

“I won’t, I promise.” I knew it was the best for both of us, when I was honest about my feelings regarding his illness. I had made up my mind. I would continue loving him and continue to be there for him like before. The only thing that had changed was that I was prepared to lose him, if I wanted to or not.

I took his hands away from my chest so I could finally turn around to face him. He was not smiling at me, but I could still see that he was relieved. For a moment I just stared at him like a whole new person was sitting in front of me.

“Taiga?”

I automatically formed a smile when he looked at me relieved, but somehow confused. I didn’t understand why, but it made me feel at ease. It was somehow giving me the impression that we could move on. Kentaro put his head a little bit to the side still looking at me in confusion. His mimic made me burst out into laughter.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing at all!”

When he raised an eyebrow at me I put my hands to his neck and pulled him into a deep and long kiss. Kentaro returned my kiss right away and here in front of the setting sun and with the sound of the waves it seemed like our life would finally be fixed again. But even in the saddest movie there was always this moment when the characters seemed to have found complete happiness, right? The only thing that made our story different was that we didn’t know if it would have a happy end.

But for now we could do nothing else than watch the progress of our own story and wait for the ending, whenever and however it would be.

***

“Turn it off, please, turn it off!”

“Oh come on don’t be such a scared cat! It’s just a movie. The character won’t come out and haunt you!”

“If you didn’t realize it until now the movie is exactly about the characters coming out of the TV haunting people.”

“Taiga you are really so superstitious.”

“No I’m not, I’m just…careful.”

“Sure….WUHAAAA LOOK OUT, there she comes out of the TV!”

“KYAAAAA….”

Kentaro bursted out laughing, rolling over the floor after I jumped behind the couch.

“Ha,ha very funny.” I reached over the couch to get a pillow to throw it at him.

“Yes it was, indeed!” he said mocking, catching the pillow.

A few days had passed since our conversation at the beach and our relationship seemed to work out even better than before. He had answered all my questions regarding his illness without even trying to hide something and it made it easier for both of us like this. 

“You know what is funny as well?” I asked, moving around the couch towards him, while he was already waiting with a bright smile still sitting on the ground.

When I had reached him I pushed him backwards onto the floor sitting on top of him. I was stroking over his throat with my fingers making his smile get even wider, if that was even possible. I slipped my free hand under his shirt stroking over his stomach muscles, while leaning down to his collarbone kissing over it.

But when I had kissed my way up his neck to his face I stopped right before our lips met and looked into his eyes. Now it was my turn to start smiling.

“Mocking you is one of the funniest things I know of,” I said really satisfied before standing up getting back on the couch behaving like nothing had happened.

“Oh come on, you can’t do this to me,” Kentaro complained while making puppy eyes at me, but I just ignored him.

With a groan he got up just to sit down right next to me.

“This is a punishment for you as well, when we stop here, you know!”  He whispered into my ear while putting one hand on top of my leg while pushing my hair away from my ear with the other one.

This was supposed to be the other way around, I was the one who wanted to be the winner in this game so I tried hard to not react to him. But when he bit into my earlobe sliding his hand from my leg directly to my crotch without any kind of warning a moan escaped me.

“Told you,” he whispered into my ear again with such a satisfaction that I couldn’t take it anymore. I just turned around to him and clenched my fists into his hair while pushing him backwards on the couch.

I didn’t care that I had lost our small teasing game. Our kisses started to get messy pretty fast and we almost fell off the couch while trying to get undressed as soon as possible.

***

We didn’t know how much time we had left together so we would just continue like there would be no tomorrow. That was also the reason why I knew that I could invite myself over without even asking, because he wouldn't say something against it.

“Hello?”

“Hello my little sweetheart!”

“Since when are you so over sweet when you are calling?” Kentaro giggled into the phone.

“Would it be better, if I call you _anata_? Or how about sexy bitch?”

“Maybe I should just hang up again?”

We both started laughing after an awkward moment of silence. It was really fascinating how much we both have changed over this little time. Even the other juniors had realized it, so we had to be careful that our changed personalities would not getting connected to each other.

“What do you want?”

“What? You called, not me!”

“I mean from the conbini!”

“Eh?”

“Idiot, I’m like 5 minutes away from your house, so tell me if you want something from the conbini and then I will be there in no time.”

“Who said I want you to come?” For this statement I decided to keep him in suspense a little bit.

“Taiga?...You didn’t hang up did you? Oh come on, talk to me!”

“So what do you want?”

“Persistent, as always.” I could imagine how he just rolled his eyes on me. “Just bring some potato chips and a C.C.Lemon and then I’m happy.”

“Really, just this?” I was about to ask if he still had lube at home, but there were people all around me so I decided against it.

“You can buy as much as you want as long as you pay!”

“As long as I don’t have to pay for your stuff! When we marry we can talk about that,” I said laughing, waiting for the traffic light to turn green.

“Sure, when it get-” When I heard a loud crack in the phone I thought our connection had broken off, but when I was about to hang up I realized that there was still some kind of noise. I tried to listen to it, when I realized that it was the sound of the evening news from the TV. But that meant the connection was still there, right?

“Kentaro? Hey, can you hear me?”

I needed a moment to realize what had happened, when there was still no answer.

“DAMN IT!” The moment I had hung up the traffic light went green and gave me the start signal for the most panicked and hysteric sprint I’ve ever done.

You remember all these scenes were the main characters are running through the streets to reach their goal, even if they run until it’s dark? It’s more than impossible!

It was not even a 5-minute-walk to Kentaro’s apartment, so running took just one or two minutes, but my legs felt as heavy as huge concrete blocks. Through my panic I couldn’t breathe properly and my lungs were hurting already after the first hundred meters.

I ran into at least a dozen of people, stumbled over my own feet two times and ran into the entrance door of the building with so much force that I thought my shoulder would be broken, because I forgot that I have to open the door to the outside and not to the inside.

After almost falling up the stairs to the second floor and dropping the keys to the floor thanks to my shaking fingers I was finally able to open the door.

Even though I knew what was awaiting me I felt horrible and helpless again when I found him lying in the middle of the living room.

„Kentaro, come on wake up! “

When I kneeled down beside him I was more than relieved that I couldn’t make out any kind of injury.  But even though I knew he would be fine my hands wouldn’t stop shaking while I put them under his head and his shoulders to lift him up a little bit.

“I’m sorry, but you know that this is necessary!” I closed my eyes for a moment before I gave him a slap in the face, again! I would never get used to this. It’s not like I would just give him a gentle clap you know, I was hitting him so hard that my hand was tingling afterwards. But it had at least the effect I wished for.

“Taiga?” Kentaro looked a little bit confused around him before facing me again. “You forgot my C.C.Lemon it seems.”

“What?” First I wanted to yell at him, because really, how could he say something like this right now? But when his lips turned into a smile I couldn’t be angry anymore. He must have felt how scared I was and wanted to comfort me and distract me.

On one hand I wanted him to take this as serious as I did, but on the other hand I couldn’t be more thankful to him. Like this at least one of us was able to keep calm and think clear, even though it wasn’t helpful that the one who was able to do so was the one being unconscious in the moments when I needed his support most.

And wasn’t it kind of unfair that I thought so? I needed comfort? He was the ill one here…the dying one!

“Hey, are you with me?” I woke up from my daydreams when Kentaro’s hand touched my cheek. It was cold, too cold. I grabbed it with my hand and took it away from my cheek to cover it with both my hands. I put my head against my hands remaining in this position for a moment. It felt so good to feel how the warmth returned to his body.

“I’m sorry!” I looked up at the sound of his ashamed voice. “I’m sorry for always doing this to you. I don’t want you to worry so much all the time. I just want to…” His voice broke and I could see how tears were filling his eyes. When he continued speaking with a shaking voice my chest tightened so much that I felt like I couldn’t breathe anymore.

“I just want to be healthy again, you know. Is it too much to ask for one miracle in one whole life?” When he looked up at me the first tear escaped his eye and it didn’t take long for more to follow.

Without even trying to form any kind of logical respond to this I just hugged him. I held him as close as possible. And with this my tears started to overflow as well, clinging on to him sobbing like there would be no tomorrow and then we realized something. In our story there was no “would” there was just a horrible “will”! We never spoke it out loud, but it was for sure that there WILL be the day when there was no tomorrow! At least no tomorrow for the both of us together and even though this thought made us fall into despair it also gave us hope and strength for our remaining days.

On this day we wanted to live each day as if it would be our last together. And I really wanted to do it, but maybe the crack in my heart, which accrued to worry and fear, was already too big to get fixed.

 

 

 


	6. Sometimes you just need a good present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Taiga had fallen for Yasui and he had almost given up on the possibility of Yasui having feelings for him at all, it seemed like a miracle as Yasui finally gave away his own feelings for him. But fate didn't seem to grant them their happiness and Taiga would have no other choice than accepting the cruel reality, which would take Yasui away from him way too soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be ready for spelling/grammar mistakes, logical mistakes and a major character death(!)  
> I wrote this multi chap a long time ago and it is partly based on a personal experience. I wasn't sure for a long time, if I should really post it, but here it is, so I hope you enjoy reading :)

****   


Taiga’s POV

_“Kentaro, wake up! Please wake up.”_

_So cold, he just felt so unbelievable cold. I tried to slap him, but my hand didn’t reach him. I shouted at him, but I couldn’t hear my voice myself._

_“KENTARO!”_

_When I reached out for him, he was taken away from me. I tried to run, but my legs wouldn’t move._

_“Please don’t leave me!” I was yelling after him with all my might, crying so much that I could barely see._

_He disappeared and a second later appeared right in front of me again eyes opened wide, looking directly me._

_“You were the one who left…” He said with an ice cold voice._

_He disappeared again and again always appearing somewhere else scolding me “You left….You left me alone…”_

_Then he appeared right behind me putting his cold arms around my shoulders and whispered into my ear._

_“You let me die alone…”_

“NOOO…” I woke up screaming. I needed a moment to calm down realizing that it was just a dream. Another dream!

For some time now those kind of nightmares were haunting me almost every night, when I was not together with Kentaro, holding on to his hand at night making sure that he was there, feeling the warmth of his body. My father came running into my room already several times waking me up, because I was screaming in my sleep.

When I looked at the alarm clock I was happy that it was almost time to get ready for work, like this I wouldn’t have to fall asleep again getting haunted once more.

When I was walking around the backstage area of the NHK hall I told myself to stay calm before I entered the dressing room, taking a deep breath before opening the door.

“Good morning.“ I greeted everyone not really looking around closing the door behind me and walking over to my dressing table.

“I hate you!” Kentaro scolded me without any kind of warning as he stood right behind me suddenly hands on his hips, glaring at me.

“What did I do?” I asked raising an eyebrow at him, trying not to laugh at his face as he tried with all his might to look really pissed.

“The question is what did you NOT do?” He asked while turning around sitting down at the big table in the middle of the dressing room.

“What are you talking about?” I asked still confused looking at the others questioning.

“Oh Taiga this is bad, really bad!” Hokuto said teasing clapping his hand on my shoulder with a bright smile.

“Oh no I smell big trouble….” Keigo said warning moving his pointer finger in circles in my direction.

Even Yugo and Juri were sitting in the back giggling at me.

“Could someone explain to me what is going on?”

“Ask Yasui-kun he is the main person here today!” Hokuto said in a weird tone.

I was still tired and not really in the mood for riddles, but when I looked at Kentaro I could see that even though everyone tried to play silly he really seemed kind of hurt.

“Everyone get ready, 10min until stand by!” A staff member shouted inside the dressing room and when my look went to the watch on the wall it also went to the date which was also shown.

“July 21st…” I whispered to myself, before facepalming myself. “Kentaro I’m so sorry.”

I walked over to him trying to make him stand up.

“No it’s too late!” He said angry turning away from me crossing his arms in front of his chest before making a kind of funny sounding snort.

I was once more looking around me checking out who was actually in the room right now.

“Okay, fine! You leave me no other choice.” With that I took his shoulders from behind, leaned over to his face and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Happy birthday, Kentaro!” I said with the maybe biggest smile I could form with my lips, before just leaving the dressing room and many stunned juniors and a frozen blushed Kentaro behind. I could deal with a few of my friends knowing or at least speculating about our relationship.

When I was alone again, I just stopped behind a corner leaning against the wall hugging myself. I really felt horrible for forgetting Kentaro’s birthday. After what had happened a few weeks earlier when I had found him unconscious in his apartment I didn’t meet up with him so often through our packed schedules. Of course he would be angry with me when I wouldn’t even congratulate him on his birthday then, right?

But my nightmares drove me insane and made it hard to concentrate on the simplest things. They started right after our conversation on that day in his apartment. I really wanted to be there for him, but in my dreams I couldn’t. I always came too late, ignored his calls or sometimes even just didn’t care. In my fragile state I didn’t want to meet up with him too often. I felt like I would be a burden to him and I didn’t want that.

Seeing him here today and seeing how hurt he had been when I forgot about his birthday I felt even more guilty. I wanted to pretend that I was fine, but I wasn’t.

The workday ended without any incidents and I was really relieved about that, but on my way out Kentaro was running after me.

“Hey, are you free this evening?” He asked with a bright smile like he would have forgotten that I forgot his birthday.

“Ehm…yes sure.” First I wanted to excuse myself with some other business, but it was his birthday, I couldn’t do that to him!

“Great, then let’s meet up at the sweets paradise at nine, okay?” He just passed me not waiting for my answer, waving before he ran out the exit rushing to the train station.

“What was that?” I asked to myself, smiling at his overexcited behavior.

***

“Oh my god, I will never ever eat something in my life again.” Kentaro grumbled while stroking over his almost round stomach, pushing away his plate with the rest of cake on it.

“You are always overdoing it! If you put like 10 different kinds of cake on your plate to try them don’t take these huge pieces, of course you can’t eat them all!” I said pointing with the fork at him still eating the rest of my really awesome strawberry cake.

“How can you still eat anyways? You were eating pizza, curry and pasta in the beginning and this is now the third time that you got yourself cake. Where do you put all this?” Kentaro seemed really impressed, but to be honest I didn’t know myself so I just shrugged with my shoulders chuckling.

“What do we do next?” He asked out of the blue when I finished my cake.

“What?” I almost chocked on my last bite.

“What? We have no work before the afternoon tomorrow and it’s still my birthday, so I want to do something else.” Kentaro yelled overexcited jumping up from his chair dragging me with him. “Time is over anyways. So let’s go. How about karaoke?”

“Kentaro, you sure? We had an extremely long and hard workday and the days before were the same!” I didn’t want to sound too overprotective, but I was of course worried, as always!

“Oh come on, it will be fine!” When he smiled at me, I just couldn’t say no, even though the fear about him getting too exhausted was almost eating me up.

We rode the subway to the station next to Kentaro’s apartment knowing that there was a cheap karaoke bar nearby.

Kentaro was still acting way too hyperactive after such a long day and when he dashed forward jumping two steps of the stairs at once I realized that I was too far away to do anything, if something would happen now, but I tried to calm myself down. I knew that I couldn’t be there for him 24/7 and that there wouldn’t be an emergency every moment I was out with him.

“Woah…”

I had just looked to the ground for a second when I heard Kentaro screaming out. When I looked up I saw how he waved around him losing his balance and fell down the stairs before I could even think about moving.

“KENTARO!” I ran over to him as fast as possible, kneeling down at his side. When he started laughing rubbing his head I wasn’t sure if I should also laugh or slap him on the head.

“That was dangerous, wasn’t it?” He asked still giggling.

“You can be happy that you were just up a few steps or this could have turned out worse.” I complained making his smile disappear.

“Sorry.”

Oh damnit! I had ruined his mood on his birthday in the blink of an eye. But I already had the perfect plan about how to make up for it, without being worried about his hyper mood too much.

“How about we skip karaoke and go to your apartment, so I can give you your birthday present?” I asked, hoping to get him back in his good mood.

“You got a present for me?” And his reaction showed that it worked out better than expected. His smile returned even brighter than before. “Wait? Why can’t you give it to me at the karaoke bar?”

On that he just gained a lopsided smile from me when I helped him up from the ground.

“You’ll see…”

***

“Okay so where is my present? What is it?” Kentaro asked overexcited when we arrived at his apartment and I just went in signalizing him to follow me.

When I opened the door to his bedroom and pointed out at his bed with the words “Sit down!” He raised an eyebrow at me, but he just did as he was told.

“So do you have it comfortable?” I asked watching him as he sat down on the middle of the bed crossing his legs.

“Yes, I guess?” I could see that he was still suspicious about my behavior.

“So here it is!” I said stretching out my arms. When he didn’t react at all, I rolled my eyes at him. “Sorry for not putting a red ribbon into my hair. But still here I am!” I said while walking towards the bed sitting down on it before crawling over to him making him back off until his back hit the wall. Our faces were just a few inches away from each other and I shivered as I could feel his breath on my skin.

“For the night I will be your present, so you can do as you wish with me!” I whispered so near his lips that it was more than hard to not just throw him on the sheets.

“So I can do everything I want and you will do exactly what I say?” Kentaro asked mischievous.

“Everything!” I answered still focused on his lips waiting for him to take any kind of action.

“Okay then first get off the bed!”

“What?” First I thought I misheard, but when I looked up into his eyes I already regretted my plan about making me his birthday present for the night. I could see evil plans in his eyes.

“Stand up!” He demanded, getting ion his knees while watching me closely as I stood up again.

“Mhhh, something isn’t right!” He scanned me with his eyes, but didn’t say anything else so I just entered his game knowing what he wanted.

“Maybe this is wrong!” I said as I stripped out of my sweat-jacket throwing it over to him.

He caught it with a kind of satisfied smile.  “Yeah that’s better, but still not really right!”

“So maybe this…” I started to open the buttons of my shirt one by one watching how Kentaro’s look went down my chest with each opened button.

“Like what you see?” I asked when Kentaro was still looking at my blank chest after I had dropped my shirt to the ground.

“Kind of.” He repiled in a cold voice while standing up having a long close look at me while moving around me, stroking over my body here and there, before shaking his head as he was standing right in front of me again.

“Ah now I know what bothered me all the time!” With a lopsided smile he opened my belt making me strip out of my pants.

“Now this is what I wanted!” He said satisfied sitting down on the bed again, crossing his legs.

“Oh, so you are already done? Then I would say present time is over!” When I chuckled at him trying to reach out for my pants which he had thrown to the side he stood up again.

“Hey it’s still my birthday!”

“Yeah for 30 more minutes, so I would hurry, if I were you!” I teased him, now passing him lying down on the bed, making extra loud noises while stretching out.

“For a birthday present you are really mean, you know that?”

“I’m just bored really easily, you know?” I countered while running my hands through my hair knowing that he loved to do that himself.

 So I wasn’t surprised when Kentaro stripped out of his clothes himself in no time throwing himself on the mattress right next to me.

“Hey there, little birthday present!” He whispered into my ear, while stroking over my chest with his hand making me shiver.

I turned my head to face him and after he gave me a brief smile he kissed me, really short! Too short! But of course he wouldn’t let his precious present take the lead, so when I tried to lean over for another kiss he put his finger on my lips.

“Don’t be so impatient.” He said before pushing me on my back putting one arm next to my head to hold himself up while running through my hair with the other one.

He shivered when I reached out for him stroking over his back with my hands, too impatient to hold back my wish to touch him and finally Kentaro leaned down to kiss me again, this time as pasionate and long as I wanted him to. 

When we parted again Kentaro lay down next to me resting his head on my shoulder stroking with his hand over my collarbone.

“Thank you!”

“For what? For forgetting your birthday and then making myself into the present, because I had no other?” I asked honestly knowing exactly that he knew that al this was improvised, but luckily he just chuckled on my self-judging.

“No, thank you for staying by my side.” I held my breath for a moment. I didn’t know why, but my heart skipped a beat on the sound of his voice. He sounded so sensitive and honest. I put one hand to his hair drawing small circles in it before he continued.

“I know it’s really much to ask of someone to stay by one’s side after telling him about one’s heaviest burden. Now it’s not even a burden for me alone anymore, but for you as well. So thank you for staying by my side, for not leaving me.

My free hand found his and we entwined our fingers before I closed my eyes for a moment listening to Kentaro’s calm heartbeat against my body.

“You know, it wasn’t easy. I would like to say that it was natural to make this decision, but it wasn’t. But every time I tried to get some distance it just felt wrong.” I squeezed his hand and stayed silent for a moment. “I knew this won’t be easy for both of us, but I know we can do this, right?” I waited patiently for his asnwer, but there was none.

“Kentaro?” I sat up a little bit to be able to look into his face, when I had to smile. He had obviously fallen asleep and I was really happy that I learned to tell the difference between him blacking out and falling asleep. He must have been more exhausted than he had said all the time. So I decided to just let him be, throwing the blanket over us stroking over his hair while holding on to his hand.

I finally slept through the night again, a night without nightmares and worries. Now that Kentaro told me again that he wanted me by his side and I knew that I needed him by my side as well, I could finally feel at ease again.

 

 

 


	7. We still have time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Taiga had fallen for Yasui and he had almost given up on the possibility of Yasui having feelings for him at all, it seemed like a miracle as Yasui finally gave away his own feelings for him. But fate didn't seem to grant them their happiness and Taiga would have no other choice than accepting the cruel reality, which would take Yasui away from him way too soon.
> 
> I put Elton John - your song in this chapter, but the actual idea came from this show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4EE4bIFixQ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene in the beginning is inspired by another fanfiction I read, I hope it is not too similar. The setting is almost the same, but there are other characters involved and the message is a different one as well.

Taiga's POV

„Ow, why is there a table standing in my way?“ Kentaro asked indignant as he stumbled back into the living room.

“No, the question is why are you running in the way of the table?” Hokuto asked giggling lying on the couch not even looking at him.

“Wait, what? Is the table moving?” Juri tried to focus his glance on the table before letting himself drop on the floor giving up. “Whatever, I guess everything except me is moving right now.”

Yes you guessed right, they were drunk. Really drunk! But yeah I wasn’t really better that night. I was lying across the smaller part of the couch flat on my stomach almost falling asleep when Kentaro just threw himself on top of me.

“Oh god, Kentaro do you want me to throw up?” The only respond I got was a small whine before he lifted at least his upper body off me placing his chest against my back.

“Hey Kentaro are your neighbors really fine with all of us making so much noise at night?” Hokuto asked trying to turn around almost falling from the couch making Juri burst out laughing.

“We are not that loud, look at Yugo, he is as silent as never before.” When all our looks went to the couch chair were Yugo had rolled himself in like a hedge hock, but still holding on to his beer bottle like it would be the most precious item he ever had, we all started laughing.

“But Kentaro makes enough noise for at least two people!” I said mocking while hitting him light into the rips with my elbow.

“What? I didn’t do anything!”

“Not now, but you were complaining so loud about running into the table or before when you couldn’t open your own bathroom door that even the deafest neighbors must have heard you.”

“And you are better? You shouted for 15 whole minutes for someone to lift you up after you fell off the couch and couldn’t get up yourself again!”

“You were all so stubborn, it couldn’t be helped. You could have lifted me up right away!” I countered.

“Hey! I wanted to help you!” Juri said in defense trying to get into a sitting position, but giving up after a few centimeters.

“Yeah right, you would have been so helpful!” I teased throwing a pillow at him. “And Hokuto, you…Hokuto?”

He had fallen asleep in the middle of our conversation and when I looked back at Juri he seemed not really awake anymore as well.

“It’s just midnight guys, are you kidding me?”

“Hey I’m still awake!” Kentaro said while trying to suppress a yawn.

I turned around to him seeing that his eyes were closed. “Yeah more or less it seems.”

He just answered with an almost unnoticeable nod. I turned my head around again checking if everyone really fell asleep, but it seemed fine.

So when I turned back to Kentaro again I placed my head right in front of his. He seemed already so tired that he didn’t even feel my breath on his face anymore or at least he didn’t mind.

I couldn’t suppress a smile looking at his cute tired face. Days like this were so precious to us by now. It was so nice to just hang out with friends after work. Knowing that we can just sleep in for a day or that we can go on a short vacation on a long weekend turned into amazing things for us.

I lifted up my head a little bit to give him a kiss on the forehead. When he didn’t react I thought he really fell asleep, so I gave him another kiss on the cheek and then a long and passionate one on the lips. Before I backed off again I could feel how he formed a smile against my lips, but when I looked at him his eyes were still closed. I put my arms around his shoulders stroking over his hair and he put his head against my chest taking a deep and long breath.

“I love you!” He whispered before I could feel how is breathing calmed down and he really drifted off to sleep.

I couldn’t really explain why, but even though I felt really happy back then, holding him in my arms, feeling his warm body a tear escaped my eye. Maybe it was, because I knew that there would be a time when I would never hold him again, never feel his breathing and heartbeat against my chest ever again. But maybe it was just because I was so amazing happy about having him by my side. I felt really blessed that I met a person, which I could love this way, even though our time was more limited than it should be. But that made every single moment we spent together and every memory we created together so precious to me that it almost hurt.

***

“See you tomorrow at work then!” I waved after everyone why they stumbled down the stairs of the hallway. Watching them leave like a really weird looking caravan was making me smile. Juri rubbed his temples looking still quite tired, Yugo was not really reacting at all having maybe the biggest hangover of his life, while having his arm around Hokuto, which tried to wave at me in return and not fall down the stairs.

“I would say the party was quite a success!” I said to Kentaro when I had returned to the living room where he already started to clean up.

“If you mean we created a big chaos, have a really nasty smell in the bathroom and are all feeling like shit with the word “success” then yes it was a huge success!” He replied mocking while throwing an empty plastic coke bottle into my direction.

“Yeah you now, the huge dark circles under your eyes really make you sexy!” I teased back.

***

“Do you really have to leave already?”

“Already? We are lying here in your bed for almost 2 hours! And cleaning took us almost the same amount of time.”

“Fast 2 hours!” Kentaro complained.

I had already dressed up again standing next to the bed when I decided to crawl back on it once more. I sat down next to Kentaro stroking the hair out of his eyes to have a better look at his beautiful face.

“What?” He looked at me in confusion, when I just stared at him for a while smiling.

“Do I always need a reason to look at you?” I asked before leaning in for another kiss.

When I backed off Kentaro smiled at me in return. “No you don’t, if I always get a kiss when I don’t get what you are doing!”

“Maybe I should start explaining myself then!” I said with a lopsided smile before standing up from the bed.

“So our kisses are so bad?” Kentaro asked with a raised eyebrow. But I just continued smiling, even though I really would like to tease him a little bit more.

“So see you tomorrow then!”

“When my hangover is gone by then! Maybe I should take a long relaxing bath and go to sleep really early today. Then maybe I have the chance to feel kind of fine by tomorrow again!” Kentaro complained standing in the doorframe waving me goodbye.

“Maybe a good idea. I should do the same when I’m home!” I had already turned around when Kentaro grabbed my arm and pulled me around. Before I could say something his lips were on mine. He clenched his fists into my hair kind of desperate, but I didn’t mind. I put my hands around his neck, even though I knew it was not necessary to pull him more into the kiss, he was doing so all by himself. We smiled against each other’s lips in between our small breaks when we really had to breath for a moment, but refused to lose the contact.

“I love you!” Kentaro whispered against my lips before giving me one last long goodbye kiss.

“I love you even more!” I replied suppressing the urge to continue our kissing forever. I would never come home, if I wouldn’t back off now.

It felt kind of weird when I took a step backwards letting go of Kentaro. My legs felt kind of heavy when I turned around going down the stairs and waved a last time at him before leaving the building.

When I was already going down the stairs to the metro station I realized that I had of course forgotten my wallet. I would normally write Kentaro later to just bring it with him tomorrow, but with my suica in it I had no choice, but to turn around again and go all the way back to his apartment.

I didn’t bother to ring the bell, letting myself in with my own key I got from him.

“Kentaro?” I just kicked my shoes off and went into the living room. When I looked in the bedroom I saw his clothes on his bed. Now I was envious, he was already relaxing in his bath, while I had still half an hour train ride in front of me, before I could finally relax.

When I had found my wallet on the living room table I went over to the bathroom before leaving again, knocking on the door.

“Hey Kentaro! Don’t forget the time or you will be still staying in there by tomorrow!” I laughed waiting for a reply. “Kentaro?” I heard the sound of the water filling up the bathtub, so I knew he had to be in there.

“Did you already fell asleep in there or what?” I raised my voice a little bit knocking once more against the door before trying to open it. It was locked. Who would lock his own bathroom door anyways? Of all when they are alone at home, but Kentaro always did stuff like that.

“Kentaro, come on! That’s not funny anymore!” The moment I fell silent again the sound of the water changed. I needed a moment to realize why. It was flowing over. Why wouldn’t he turn it off?

From one moment to the other I felt like a total idiot or more like the worst person existing, because I had really forgotten! I really forgot about his illness! We had had almost three months without any kind of problems. No fainting, no moments when I found him lying on the ground, so not even one moment to worry about him. And now I got so careless? I went out his apartment every day without worrying, I left him alone so often without even thinking about the possibility that something could have happened, that he could be gone the next time I came by.

My whole body started shaking. But I had no time to feel sorry for myself. I grabbed the doorknob and slammed my shoulder into the door several times.

“KENTARO! KENTARO, PLEASE ANSWER!” I was screaming desperately cursing the door for not giving in.

“Please no…” I felt how the tears started running down my cheeks. But I couldn’t give up. I forced my body to move, I ignored the pain in my shoulder and when I took another step back and slammed myself against the door again it finally broke open.

I stumbled inside losing balance. Through the force I fell over on my knees landing on the floor which was already overflowing with water. I knew I had no time, but everything inside of me was fighting against me. My body didn’t want to turn around to the bathtub. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, my entire inner struggle took not more then maybe a second, but it felt like an eternity before I jumped up and turned to the bathtub.

Seeing Kentaro all the time when he had fainted was bad enough, but this time I was the one who felt like blacking out.

It was like my worst nightmare turned real. All these fears I had all the time of not being able to help him, not being there when he needed me, they were not just some stupid worries, but reality. A cruel reality which just shattered everything inside of me when I saw that Kentaro had gone under in the bathtub.

I couldn’t really remember what I did first and how I was even able to do anything at all. I had somehow pulled him out of the bathtub, even though he was unbelievable heavy. I was screaming at myself while I tried to lift him out and somehow get him out of the overflowing bathroom.

The next thing I could remember was that I sat next to him in the living room. My phone was lying next to him I must have called the ambulance. The water wasn’t overflowing anymore, but I couldn't remember when I had turned it off.

“KENTARO! COME ON WAKE UP!” I wasn’t sure for how long he was already unconscious and for how long he had already drowned. I wasn’t gone for too long and if I was lucky he drowned just before I broke through the door.

I didn’t know what to do first. When I tried to calm myself down to feel his pulse I wasn’t even shocked anymore when I realized that there was none. I started to reanimate him, but when he showed no reaction at all I wasn’t sure if this would work on him or if his nerves needed an impact first or in sync with his heart.

So in between my reanimation I had slapped him a few times. If the situation wouldn’t be like the worst of my life and we would be in a comedy drama instead it would maybe even look funny what I was doing.

But for me this was more than horrifying. Hitting him, pressing down his chest with so much force that I was afraid to break his rips and trying to get air in his maybe with water filled lungs was making me insane. I was about to break down, but I couldn’t give up. I knew the day was about to come when I would lose him and I knew it could be every time I left him or even in every situation I was by his side. But really like this? Without a warning, after everything was fine for so long? Something inside of me was screaming not to give up, to continue because our story wasn’t over yet!

When I heard someone opening the door and shouting inside I was more than relieved when I realized that it was the ambulance.

They rushed in and started to reanimate Kentaro so fast that I had almost no time to get out of the way. I was crawling backwards on the floor until my back hit the couch. I was still looking at Kentaro in shock. I had put my hands together and lifted them up to my face and even though it hurt I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

“Please, Kentaro! Please don’t leave me!” My voice was shaking so much that I couldn’t understand my own words. Tears were running down my cheeks nonstop and my heart was racing so fast that I feared it would rip out of my chest.

I was so focused on him that I didn’t really realized that the ambulance had started to use a defibrillator on him until his lifeless body got lifted up to the shock and I flinched on his forced movements.

For a moment I couldn’t see him anymore, while two of the men were blocking my vision saying something about water in his lungs and handling around with some kind of hose.

I shut my eyes for a moment trying to calm down. I knew it wouldn’t help if I would break down completely now.

“Please don’t take him away from me! Please not yet!” I whimpered my prayers in between my sobs. I repeated them over and over again and it seemed like an eternity had passed before I opened my eyes again.

I had opened my eyes again, because of a sound. I needed a moment to realize what kind of sound it was. I heard it a few times. Coughing?

The moment I looked up again one of the man stood up and I saw Kentaro again. A moving Kentaro! Not the forced movements through the shockwaves, but moving on his own! His coughing sounded really painful and he spit out a lot of water. The men turned him on his side away from me, but at the moment the only thing I cared for was that he was alive. I could see him moving, I could hear him breathing. I didn’t lose him!

I was so relieved, but still so in shock that time seemed to stay still. When they put Kentaro on a stretcher and one of the man started speaking to me throwing a blanket over me and taking me with him into the ambulance together with Kentaro everything seemed like a dream. I felt completely numb and couldn’t remember anything clearly what had happened after we left his apartment, but what I could remember was holding his hand in the ambulance. Holding it, feeling how it got warm again and knowing that I hadn’t lost him.

I knew I was right! It wasn’t the time for him to leave. Not yet!

***

One week had passed, one week for me with almost no sleep, sitting next to Kentaro’s bed in the hospital after rushing over every day after work. He told me all the time that he was alright, but even though the doctors said the same for me it would never be “okay” again. I tried hard to not show him my worries too much. I knew I shouldn’t get overprotective about him again, but I was more than dead scared on that day he died just like this in front of me.

But now that he was allowed to go home again I was worried even more. That meant that when I would leave, no one would be around him anymore to see if he was fine.

“Taiga, please don’t look at me like this all the time!”

“Eh?”

I didn’t even realize that I was staring at him all the way home and still didn’t take my eyes of him even though we were just sitting in his living room.

“Sorry.” I stood up walking to the kitchen for a moment trying to get a grip on myself again. He told me that he was prepared to die and yes that sounded stupid and naïve, but I guess it was true. He wasn’t even shocked when he heard that he had to be resuscitated.

When I came back into the living room after getting both of us a cup of coffee Kentaro had fallen asleep on the couch. I didn’t know why, but I never got worried when he fell asleep. I could perfectly divide between him sleeping and him blacking out, even though for everyone else it might look the same.

I put the cups on the table and sit down next to him stroking the hair out of his face. I had to prepare myself for the day when I would lose him. But somehow I was sure that I would be able to say goodbye when the day would come. But last time I just knew that it wasn’t the time, that he was not supposed to leave me.

I remained like this next to him for a while just looking at him and stroking over his hair, when suddenly the radio alarm on Kentaro’s shelf went off way to loud.

I almost squealed out of surprise and Kentaro would have fallen off the couch if I wouldn’t have held him the moment he jumped up out of surprise.

“Oh god you want to kill me?” Kentaro yelled in between the noise while standing up to turn the volume down.

“Hey that wasn’t me. It went off on its own.”

“But I wasn’t home the whole week and why would I set the alarm for the evening?” Kentaro said in a judging voice looking at me, but I could see a smile on his lips before he turned away again.

I approached him and turned him around to me. Our faces were so near that it was hard to look into his eyes. I looked over his face for a moment. Kentaro wanted to lean in for a kiss, but I backed off making him stare at me in surprise.

“No kiss before you say I’m sorry!”

“What? For what?” When I moved away from him again trying to hide a smile he followed me and tried to turn me around again. He already got that I was playing with him, but I liked teasing him just so much.

“Just say I’m sorry! As sooner you do it as sooner you’ll get your kiss.” I whispered into his ear after he had finally made me turn around to him. “Maybe you’ll get even more!”

On that I got a lopsided smile from him.

“So you might want a sorry for accusing you for the alarm clock setting or maybe for the mess that happened last week?” He crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked up at me while running around trying to find out for what he had to apologies.

We fell into some kind of rhythm while circling around each other and listening to the radio, when a new song started. A song I knew quite well and I just stood still for a moment listening to it.

_It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside  
I'm not one of those who can easily hide_

A shiver went down my back and when I looked at Kentaro who was still trying to get an answer out of me I had to smile.

 __  
I don't have much money, but boy if I did  
I'd buy a big house where we both could live  
  


When Kentaro went back to the couch again and took a sip of his coffee I stared at his back. I couldn’t explain why, but finally it seemed like I completely calmed down again. As if I would finally be aware of our limited time.

 __  
If I was a sculptor, but then again, no  
Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show  
I know it's not much, but it's the best I can do  
My gift is my song, and this one's for you

It was like I stopped thinking when I approached him and hugged him from behind after he had put down the cup again. Kentaro flinched a little bit, but he didn’t say anything when I buried my face in the hair on his shoulder. __  
  
And you can tell everybody this is your song  
It may be quite simple, but now that it's done  
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

He took my hands and entwined our finger as he turned around in my arms. He smiled at me, with this bright smile I loved so much. It was so pure and honest that it always made me smile back.

 __  
I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss  
Well, a few of the verses, well, they've got me quite cross  
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song  
It's for people like you that keep it turned on  
  


He put one hand to my cheek and wiped away the tears, which I didn’t know I had shed.

 __  
So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do  
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue  
Anyway the thing is what I really mean  
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen  
  


He put his forehead against mine and I could feel how he shivered the same way as I did. It was not that we were sad it was more that we were so happy that we both shed tears. I took both his hands into mine squeezing them and lifting them up to kiss them once before looking into his eyes again.

 __  
And you can tell everybody this is your song  
It may be quite simple, but now that it's done  
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

Now I was the one wiping his tears away and when I reached out for his cheek he left out a mixture of a chuckle and a sob. In his eyes I could see so many emotions that I couldn’t describe them. We just remained like this for a moment, still listening. It seemed like an eternity just looking at each other. __  
  
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

“I love you and I will always love you no matter what the future will bring!” I didn’t wait for an answer. When he smiled on my words I leaned in for the maybe most emotional kiss we ever shared. I felt like there would never be another moment like this. So passionate, so honest and so intimate.

I knew that I would never tell him for what I wanted him to be sorry. I wanted him to be sorry for falling in love with me, for listening to my confession, to all my thoughts and fears. I wanted him to be sorry for being there for me all the time, because there would be a time when I had to live on without him.


	8. When I close my eyes you are still there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Taiga had fallen for Yasui and he had almost given up on the possibility of Yasui having feelings for him at all, it seemed like a miracle as Yasui finally gave away his own feelings for him. But fate didn't seem to grant them their happiness and Taiga would have no other choice than accepting the cruel reality, which would take Yasui away from him way too soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be ready for spelling/grammar mistakes, logical mistakes and a major character death(!)  
> I wrote this multi chap a long time ago and it is partly based on a personal experience. I wasn't sure for a long time, if I should really post it, but here it is, so I hope you enjoy reading :)

 

Taiga’s POV

“Stop nagging.” Kentaro tried to push me away for maybe the dozen’s time, but I wasn’t willing to give up. For some time now we were lying in his bed both of us actually dead tired from work and the next day would be the same, but I didn’t want him to just fall asleep like this.

“Then you stop ignoring me,” was all I countered before closing my arms around his chest again this time determined to not get fought off.

“You are way too clingy you know that?” He said smiling when he finally turned around in my arms to face me.  

“And?”

“And when we are both late for work tomorrow or something goes wrong, because we are unconcentrated I will blame everything on you.”

“I can live with that.” I chuckled before kissing him on the forehead making him chuckle as well.

Kentaro took my head in his hands looking into my eyes. I put my hands on his smiling back at him.

“Taiga, you are maybe the best thing that ever happened to me in my life until now!”

“Until now? You think there could be something better than me?”

On that he just gave me a lopsided sneer before adding a really teasing “Maybe!”

I wanted to respond something, but Kentaro was faster and leaned in for a kiss. A sweet long kiss full of deep emotions. No messy movements, no tries to be the leading one, we didn’t even think about doing more this night. This one kiss was enough, it was like it lasted for an eternity, something you would never forget.

“I love you!”I said breathless after breaking the kiss.

I took one of his hands into mine and entwined our fingers. “Holding your hand, feeling the warmth of it is something I always enjoyed the most. It’s something so small, but on the other hand something so precious to me.” I had to chuckle on my own overemotional speech, but Kentaro just put his other hand over mine and smiled. “It’s yours! I’m yours and I will try to never let go of your hand!”

***

“Hey Taiga are you coming with us to karaoke tonight?” Hokuto asked clapping on my shoulder from behind after we had left the shokura set.

“Oh sorry, no not today. I still have to meet someone.” I responded excusing.

“Then next time, okay?”

“Sure!”

Hokuto was passing me now trying to convince Juri and the others to go to karaoke with him. Seeing Juri getting totally hyper about it like he would normally never sing, Jesse just giving Hokuto an uninterested _pass_ and Hokuto jumping on his back on that teasing him about just being afraid that he would not get as high points as him really made me smile.

“That’s the right face!” Keigo said suddenly next to me making me flinch a little bit out of surprise.

“I don’t see you smile like this lately, but this is exactly what you should do. Smiling has some kind of healing power, you know? Oh and I guess you have to leave or you won’t make it!” Keigo added with a small comforting nod before throwing himself into the karaoke chaos discussion.

It took me the same amount of time as always to come here. The same tingling feeling in my legs every time I walked this path and the same lost feeling when I was finally standing here at the beach watching how the sun set, listening to the sound of the waves and feeling the light breeze coming from the ocean.

This is where everything had started.

Where I had worried for him so much as never before, where he had confessed his love to me after he blocked my tries to confess for so long that I was about to just forget about my feelings and where I had finally kissed him for the first time.

I sat down in the sand pulling my knees towards my chest hugging them closely.

“Why do I always come back here anyways?” I asked myself with a small chuckle in my voice.

“I know I can’t turn back time! I know I won’t be able to see you again, but somehow I feel closest to you when I’m here!”

Kentaro had left my side three months ago already.

It was a tough time for me, but I didn’t allow myself to break down. I wanted to lock myself up in my room, wanted  to throw around with cups and plates and jsut scream, but I promised myself that I wouldn’t break down. I wanted to be strong for him as well.

Being on his funeral, standing at his grave praying, all this wasn’t as emotional as sitting here talking to myself.

I knew it sounded stupid, but sitting here alone thinking about the time we spent together was all I needed to know that he was still by my side somehow.

“You liar!” The first tear ran down my cheek when the sun had touched the horizon. “You said you would never let go of my hand!”

But he had let go! He held on to it for so long. Every night he had entwined our fingers and did not let go until I woke up.

Except for this one night. When I had woken up this one morning and his hand was not in mine anymore. I had looked up to his face and I had known that the time had come the moment I saw his peaceful expression. I had lifted my hand to stroke the hair out of his face resting it on his cheek. It had been cold, too cold already. I had closed my eyes for a moment not even trying to stop my tears. I had thought that I would have been prepared for this moment. I had known for so long that it would happen, but I had realized that there was no way to be prepared to lose the most important person in your life.

“I guess I’m already going on your nerves, right? Coming here all the time talking to myself trying to give my emotions a little bit space. I’m really a bad boyfriend, aren’t I? I can’t even leave you in peace.” When the second tear ran down my cheek I put my head on my knees and my chuckle turned into a sob.

A strong and cold breeze blew against me when I lifted my head up again and stroke my hair out of my face.

“I hope you don’t mind me coming here talking to you about all this emotional stuff. Maybe I won’t come so often in the future anymore, maybe there will also be a time when I won’t return to this place at all.” Another tear dropped to the ground as I stood up as the sun was almost out of sight and the light was about to fade.

“But until that time comes I hope you will wait here for me. And then after I stop talking nonsense we’ll meet again. We will have an eternity to spend together, but as you made me wait with your confession I will make you wait for our eternity a little bit longer.”

I closed my eyes for a moment letting the last few tears drop to the sand before turning around leaving the calm ocean and the fading daylight behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading and if something caught your interest just let me know in a comment :)


End file.
